Wow, this one is pretty bad. A man in a gimp suit is raping every virgin in Manhattan (hence the film's short running time), impregnating them with black slime and leaving a post-hypnotic suggestion for them to attend his midnight basement jacuzzi party. A young doctor and a cop use every stilted line and cliche at their disposal in a futile attempt to prove the existence of a scriptwriter, ultimately leaving the audience to make that leap of faith on their own.
Everything bad about 80s movies is in this one. Bad acting. Big hair. Awful clothes. Synth soundtrack. Questionable sets. Implausible events. On the plus side, the virgins share a rare allergy to underwear, and shuck their clothes at every scene change.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Breeders (IMDB)
Wince : [*****]
Flinch : [*____]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [***__]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [***__]
What I would do different: Spend the ten bucks to have someone write a script.
Scene I'd watch on endless loop: Breeder chicks in an alien hot-tub filled with milky-white fluid.
Memories I want to erase: Those tan lines!
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Them
A French couple staying in a fairly creepy house in Romania are terrorized by flashlight-wielding hoodlums. Really, that's all there is to it.
Discovering who the eponymous 'THEY' are is supposed to be a big part of the suspense in this film (judging from the vagueness of the film summary, the equally vague trailer, and the fact that THEY are out of shot or in darkness for so much of the film), but it is pretty obvious from the start of the film if one assumes human rather than supernatural agents. Me being a skeptic, and no inexplicable events occurring, this is what I did.
The film is well-done and quite suspenseful. It seems to be telling a true-crime story in the manner of a horror film, keeping the audience, like the victims, in the dark to play on their fear of the unknown. There were moments where, much like in The Blair Witch Project, you say to yourself "That's just not that scary. Why are they panicking?", but the actors are convincing enough and the camera work is jumpy enough that you get sucked into it regardless.
Enjoyable suspense film. Arguably more enjoyable if you know the premise, as that might drive the it-can-happen-to-anyone aspect of it home.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Them (IMDB)
Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [*____]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [*****]
Discovering who the eponymous 'THEY' are is supposed to be a big part of the suspense in this film (judging from the vagueness of the film summary, the equally vague trailer, and the fact that THEY are out of shot or in darkness for so much of the film), but it is pretty obvious from the start of the film if one assumes human rather than supernatural agents. Me being a skeptic, and no inexplicable events occurring, this is what I did.
The film is well-done and quite suspenseful. It seems to be telling a true-crime story in the manner of a horror film, keeping the audience, like the victims, in the dark to play on their fear of the unknown. There were moments where, much like in The Blair Witch Project, you say to yourself "That's just not that scary. Why are they panicking?", but the actors are convincing enough and the camera work is jumpy enough that you get sucked into it regardless.
Enjoyable suspense film. Arguably more enjoyable if you know the premise, as that might drive the it-can-happen-to-anyone aspect of it home.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Them (IMDB)
Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [*____]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [*****]
Monday, August 27, 2007
Carny
How many times have you said to yourself, "Boy how I wish that Jodie Foster ran away from her folks at the end of Taxi Driver to join a circus and become a burlesque dancer" ? I know, I know, it's the same with me: lots.
Well, here's your chance. A young Jodie foster runs away from her invisible mother and gruesome boyfriend to live the carnival life with Gary Busey. She becomes part of the carnival crowd, taking different jobs until she finds one she likes, and expands her relationship with Busey to include his friend, Patch. At about this point the movie picks up the pace as the local mob decides that the carnival's payoff wasn't big enough.
While aimless, and leading to no great insight for any of the characters (except possibly Jodie Foster), this is a decent film with some very solid performances by Gary Busey (seriously!) and Robbie Robertson. There is an authentic feel to the hustles pulled in the carnival, and to the community built up in the carnival itself.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Carny (IMDB)
Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [**___]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [****_]
Well, here's your chance. A young Jodie foster runs away from her invisible mother and gruesome boyfriend to live the carnival life with Gary Busey. She becomes part of the carnival crowd, taking different jobs until she finds one she likes, and expands her relationship with Busey to include his friend, Patch. At about this point the movie picks up the pace as the local mob decides that the carnival's payoff wasn't big enough.
While aimless, and leading to no great insight for any of the characters (except possibly Jodie Foster), this is a decent film with some very solid performances by Gary Busey (seriously!) and Robbie Robertson. There is an authentic feel to the hustles pulled in the carnival, and to the community built up in the carnival itself.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Carny (IMDB)
Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [**___]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [****_]
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Demon Seed
There are a lot of valuable life lessons in this film. Never design an artificial intelligence that is smart enough to find a cure for leukemia in four days. If you do, never piss on its dreams. Failing those, you should never create a direct link from that AI to your fully robo-automated house. Where your wife is staying. Alone. Hell, back up a bit: never robo-automate your house. That's not gonna end well.
This film takes the mischevious HAL from 2001 and dumps him into Rosemary's Baby; his designer, a scientist at a government lab, learns all of the above lessons and more. The wife, trapped in the state-of-the-(70s)-art house, is tormented and measured (noooo!) until she submits to bearing the rogue computer's love child. Although any woman who can be seduced by a screensaver couldn't have put up too much of a fight.
The action takes place almost entirely in the house, and while the pace is a bit slow and the events a bit predictable (until the end, oddly enough), there are enough good scenes to keep watching. The top "Oh crap!" moment comes when the wife, after receiving an unexpected electrical shock and collapsing, wakes up on a table in the windowless (basement) lab with a robotic arm tying the last of her four limbs in place. What do you do now, MacGyver?
Worth seeing for the awkward dialogue ("You find me boring, my dear, but I find myself ... rather interesting") and disembodied voice of Robert Vaughn. Speaking as someone inured to tentacle hentai, though, I have to say the insemination scene was quite disappointing.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Demon Seed (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [****_]
Technology you probably forgot:
* gull-wing doors
* binocular surveillance cameras
* 5 1/4" floppies
* computer dust-covers
* Television tuning dials
What I would do different: Proteus would have had a child that would emerge from the womb to enslave all mankind, crushing all opposition to his golden tentacled genius.
This film takes the mischevious HAL from 2001 and dumps him into Rosemary's Baby; his designer, a scientist at a government lab, learns all of the above lessons and more. The wife, trapped in the state-of-the-(70s)-art house, is tormented and measured (noooo!) until she submits to bearing the rogue computer's love child. Although any woman who can be seduced by a screensaver couldn't have put up too much of a fight.
The action takes place almost entirely in the house, and while the pace is a bit slow and the events a bit predictable (until the end, oddly enough), there are enough good scenes to keep watching. The top "Oh crap!" moment comes when the wife, after receiving an unexpected electrical shock and collapsing, wakes up on a table in the windowless (basement) lab with a robotic arm tying the last of her four limbs in place. What do you do now, MacGyver?
Worth seeing for the awkward dialogue ("You find me boring, my dear, but I find myself ... rather interesting") and disembodied voice of Robert Vaughn. Speaking as someone inured to tentacle hentai, though, I have to say the insemination scene was quite disappointing.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Demon Seed (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [****_]
Technology you probably forgot:
* gull-wing doors
* binocular surveillance cameras
* 5 1/4" floppies
* computer dust-covers
* Television tuning dials
What I would do different: Proteus would have had a child that would emerge from the womb to enslave all mankind, crushing all opposition to his golden tentacled genius.
Electroma
Well. Everything I'd read about this film said the cinematography was fantastic. There were very vague, in retrospect suspiciously elusive summaries of the plot: two robots journeying through a wasteland, ostensibly in a quest to become human.
The cinematography is great: the film is wonderful to look at at. And the beginning of the film is quite entertaining, with two robots joyriding through the desert in an odd Ferrari (you can tell by the tail-lights), stopping off at an FX studio to be given human appearances, then nonchalantly strolling through an all-robot town, drawing stares and eventually a lynch mob.
About thirty minutes into the film, the two robots begin a journey into the desert with a long, slow take of them walking away from the camera. No problem, I tell myself, I've seen a few Tarkovsky films, I can handle long takes.
They walk in the desert for the next forty minutes.
Eventually one of the robots tires of this and gets the other to kill him. This is a metaphor for the dreams we must abandon in our quest for self-realization. Ten or twenty minutes later, the other robot wants out as well, but cannot kill himself because his self-destruct button is right between his shoulder blades. This is a metaphor for the audience.
The ideas behind the film are simple and universal: the idealist/artist striking out to make their mark on the world, indulging in pure freedom of expression, and being rejected, vilified, or otherwise outcast. And the film itself starts off well, before dragging the audience along on its own Exodus.
The final word: more people walked out of the theater while this was playing that any other film I've seen. Which certainly says something.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Electorama (IMDB)
Wince : [_____] (No dialog)
Flinch : [_____] (No violence)
Retch : [_____] (No gore)
Gape : [_____] (No anything!)
Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [_____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [**___]
What I would do different: Right before the credits, I would have had Daft Punk come onscreen, face the audience, and say "Are you still here? What the f*ck is wrong with you?!?"
The cinematography is great: the film is wonderful to look at at. And the beginning of the film is quite entertaining, with two robots joyriding through the desert in an odd Ferrari (you can tell by the tail-lights), stopping off at an FX studio to be given human appearances, then nonchalantly strolling through an all-robot town, drawing stares and eventually a lynch mob.
About thirty minutes into the film, the two robots begin a journey into the desert with a long, slow take of them walking away from the camera. No problem, I tell myself, I've seen a few Tarkovsky films, I can handle long takes.
They walk in the desert for the next forty minutes.
Eventually one of the robots tires of this and gets the other to kill him. This is a metaphor for the dreams we must abandon in our quest for self-realization. Ten or twenty minutes later, the other robot wants out as well, but cannot kill himself because his self-destruct button is right between his shoulder blades. This is a metaphor for the audience.
The ideas behind the film are simple and universal: the idealist/artist striking out to make their mark on the world, indulging in pure freedom of expression, and being rejected, vilified, or otherwise outcast. And the film itself starts off well, before dragging the audience along on its own Exodus.
The final word: more people walked out of the theater while this was playing that any other film I've seen. Which certainly says something.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Electorama (IMDB)
Wince : [_____] (No dialog)
Flinch : [_____] (No violence)
Retch : [_____] (No gore)
Gape : [_____] (No anything!)
Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [_____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [**___]
What I would do different: Right before the credits, I would have had Daft Punk come onscreen, face the audience, and say "Are you still here? What the f*ck is wrong with you?!?"
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Meatball Machine
A splatterfest in the vein of Iron Man. If you haven't heard of this movie by now, you probably shouldn't try to see it.
The film begins with the worst fighter in the history of anger using his skills to win over the girl of his dreams by repeatedly throwing his face and kidneys at the fists and toes of her date. Surprisingly enough, this works, and she is smitten long enough to be taken over by a parasitic alien that uses humans as a vessel for bloodsport.
Our hero allows himself to be taken over as well, and puts his well-honed martial skills to work saving/killing his girlfriend by bleeding profusely over her weapons in a rarely-seen display of Rust-Fu.
They live happily ever after... fighting each other.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Meatball Machine (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [****_]
Retch : [***__]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [**___]
The film begins with the worst fighter in the history of anger using his skills to win over the girl of his dreams by repeatedly throwing his face and kidneys at the fists and toes of her date. Surprisingly enough, this works, and she is smitten long enough to be taken over by a parasitic alien that uses humans as a vessel for bloodsport.
Our hero allows himself to be taken over as well, and puts his well-honed martial skills to work saving/killing his girlfriend by bleeding profusely over her weapons in a rarely-seen display of Rust-Fu.
They live happily ever after... fighting each other.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Meatball Machine (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [****_]
Retch : [***__]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [**___]
I/O
I picked up Simon Logan's I/O a few months back along with a bunch of other independent and self-published fiction (from Mellick, et. al.), back before I learned the true value of an editor. Being a collection of short stories, the omission isn't as painful here, though a decent copy editor would certainly have caught the grammatical errors.
This is a thin volume of 8 very similar stories: various loners in industrial settings (junkyards, factories, wastelands) striving after women who wound them. The final story, of course, proving the exception to this rule and revolving around a group of women who seduce and kill celebrities.
The writing is young and self-indulgent: every verb has its adverb, every noun its adjectives, every sentence its string of clauses that enhance, support, or belabor a simple subject-verb-object combination. Unpolished prose.
Some of the ideas are interesting enough, "Ignition" being the most fun to read, "Foetal Chambers" and "Irong Lung" having good rough concepts (if sparse treatment), and "Method of Pulse" visualized well enough to make a decent animated short. So there is promise.
Taken as a whole, though, the work is too amateurish to be worth reading. The ideas, the writing, even the setting of these "industrial fiction" stories have a from-the-hip feel: not considered, not thought out, not crafted. All in all, a slow, rough read.
This is a thin volume of 8 very similar stories: various loners in industrial settings (junkyards, factories, wastelands) striving after women who wound them. The final story, of course, proving the exception to this rule and revolving around a group of women who seduce and kill celebrities.
The writing is young and self-indulgent: every verb has its adverb, every noun its adjectives, every sentence its string of clauses that enhance, support, or belabor a simple subject-verb-object combination. Unpolished prose.
Some of the ideas are interesting enough, "Ignition" being the most fun to read, "Foetal Chambers" and "Irong Lung" having good rough concepts (if sparse treatment), and "Method of Pulse" visualized well enough to make a decent animated short. So there is promise.
Taken as a whole, though, the work is too amateurish to be worth reading. The ideas, the writing, even the setting of these "industrial fiction" stories have a from-the-hip feel: not considered, not thought out, not crafted. All in all, a slow, rough read.
The Bothersome Man
In the afterlife, everyone has a good job with a decent boss and any woman they want, and everyone is happy -- except for that one malcontent who wants things to be just as they were before, pain and ugliness included.
Andreas is this malcontent: a man wondering why food has no taste, liquor doesn't get him drunk, and everyone around him is shallow and emotionless. At first he thinks it's his fault, and he has made the wrong choices in the afterlife; then he finds that this is the way things are supposed to be, and he tries to find a way out. Andreas is not rebellious or spiteful or driven by revenge; he's just a quiet, friendly little cog being a quiet, friendly little pain in the ass.
A decent film that makes you question what it would take to keep you happy for eternity, and that makes damn sure you'll never throw yourself in front of a subway train.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
The Bothersome Man (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [**___]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [*____]
Explicability : [***__]
Scene I'd watch on endless loop: Jumping in front of the subway train.
Memories I want to erase: The joyless sex with his wife(?).
What I would do different: There were a couple of brief scenes, such as the kitchen or the very end, that could have been extended by three or four minutes. These scenes can be understood as filmed, but they lack any weight, and give the impression that the director did not want to commit to what the scene depicted, or how the protagonist was affected. Also, for fun, I might have made the bus break down.
Andreas is this malcontent: a man wondering why food has no taste, liquor doesn't get him drunk, and everyone around him is shallow and emotionless. At first he thinks it's his fault, and he has made the wrong choices in the afterlife; then he finds that this is the way things are supposed to be, and he tries to find a way out. Andreas is not rebellious or spiteful or driven by revenge; he's just a quiet, friendly little cog being a quiet, friendly little pain in the ass.
A decent film that makes you question what it would take to keep you happy for eternity, and that makes damn sure you'll never throw yourself in front of a subway train.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
The Bothersome Man (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [**___]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [*____]
Explicability : [***__]
Scene I'd watch on endless loop: Jumping in front of the subway train.
Memories I want to erase: The joyless sex with his wife(?).
What I would do different: There were a couple of brief scenes, such as the kitchen or the very end, that could have been extended by three or four minutes. These scenes can be understood as filmed, but they lack any weight, and give the impression that the director did not want to commit to what the scene depicted, or how the protagonist was affected. Also, for fun, I might have made the bus break down.
Possession
This one is definitely going to require a second viewing. Perhaps a third and fourth. The ambiguity of the title (is it about a woman being possessed, or about a man possessing a woman?) carries over into the narrative. In spades, as it were.
The film is about a disintegrating marriage: Mark, a guy working for shadowy people doing unexplained work (though hints are dropped towards assassination, implausible as it seems), is away from home a lot, and unable to please his wife. Anna, his wife, has had a lover for a long time. The two fight a lot, sullenly refuse to communicate a lot, get weak and weepy a lot, and use their kid as weapon against each other. Typical light-hearted family fare.
The trouble begins when Mark confronts Anna's long-time lover and finds that this isn't who she's been running off to spend time with. Well, who is it then? Her best friend Margie? Her appeared-out-of-nowhere twin, who is their son's schoolteacher? The man with the pink socks? A manifestation of her own desire gradually becoming flesh from the inside out?
The answer is fairly obvious, but less obvious is the nature of the Allsexthing and the role of the title: many characters act possessed, particularly in the proximity of the creature, but given the general craziness most of them display due to stress, emotion, or drugs, it is hard to be sure. Even more difficult is explaining why, after tightly wrapping things up and preparing to close the plot, Mark suddenly goes off the deep end in the last 15 or so minutes of the film.
I could probably spill forth pages of possible explanations with key points to watch in the film, all of which would be invalid. Find a copy of this (make sure it is the 127 minute version), sit back with a notebook, and prepare to spend 4 to 6 hours scrutinizing it.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Possession (IMDB)
Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [*****]
Beerequisite : [*____]
Pornability : [***__]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [**___]
Scene I'd watch on endless loop: "Almost... almost...".
What I would do different: The breakdown at the end looks like it is missing a couple of supporting scenes, perhaps to speed things up. On the second viewing, things became more clear, but there is still the matter of the police showing up outside of Margie's house, and who the pink-socked man turned out to be. Explaining these requires a bit of hand-waving, which means the extra four minute of film should have been spent justifying them, minor as they are.
The film is about a disintegrating marriage: Mark, a guy working for shadowy people doing unexplained work (though hints are dropped towards assassination, implausible as it seems), is away from home a lot, and unable to please his wife. Anna, his wife, has had a lover for a long time. The two fight a lot, sullenly refuse to communicate a lot, get weak and weepy a lot, and use their kid as weapon against each other. Typical light-hearted family fare.
The trouble begins when Mark confronts Anna's long-time lover and finds that this isn't who she's been running off to spend time with. Well, who is it then? Her best friend Margie? Her appeared-out-of-nowhere twin, who is their son's schoolteacher? The man with the pink socks? A manifestation of her own desire gradually becoming flesh from the inside out?
The answer is fairly obvious, but less obvious is the nature of the Allsexthing and the role of the title: many characters act possessed, particularly in the proximity of the creature, but given the general craziness most of them display due to stress, emotion, or drugs, it is hard to be sure. Even more difficult is explaining why, after tightly wrapping things up and preparing to close the plot, Mark suddenly goes off the deep end in the last 15 or so minutes of the film.
I could probably spill forth pages of possible explanations with key points to watch in the film, all of which would be invalid. Find a copy of this (make sure it is the 127 minute version), sit back with a notebook, and prepare to spend 4 to 6 hours scrutinizing it.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Possession (IMDB)
Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [*****]
Beerequisite : [*____]
Pornability : [***__]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [**___]
Scene I'd watch on endless loop: "Almost... almost...".
What I would do different: The breakdown at the end looks like it is missing a couple of supporting scenes, perhaps to speed things up. On the second viewing, things became more clear, but there is still the matter of the police showing up outside of Margie's house, and who the pink-socked man turned out to be. Explaining these requires a bit of hand-waving, which means the extra four minute of film should have been spent justifying them, minor as they are.
Zebraman
Stripey!
One of the most twisted and innovative directors out there, Takashi Miike, serves up a variant of the generally detestable "if you believe in your dreams, they will come true" films that turns out to be damn entertaining.
The premise is straightforward: take a man who is a failure as an adult(he is unable to befriend or chastise the children he teaches) , a husband (his wife is cheating on him), and a father (his son is bullied at school, and his daughter is a teenage prostitute), give him a lifelong obsession with a superhero whose television show was scrapped after 7 episodes, mix in a wheelchair-bound kid who shares this same obsession, and pit these two against a horde of green-slime aliens bent on taking over the earth.
The failed teacher has made a Zebraman costume as homage to his childhood hero, and at night he dresses up in it and beats the stuffing out of... pillows. One night he ventures outdoors in costume, ostensibly to show his new wheeled friend his black-and-white finery, and encounters another nutcase wearing a crab-mask and wielding two pairs of scissors. Battle ensues. In the course of flailing about like a schoolgirl, the teacher is filled with the spirit of Zebraman, and thus begins his career as a costumed crimefighter.
Miike's rather jaded and unflinching humor crops up now and then, and the story takes a few odd and unexpected turns, making for an unconventional superhero-wannabe movie. It is well-worth the two-hour investment and, however predictable the rest of the film may be, no-one is going to be able to forsee the Zebraman finishing move.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Zebraman (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [***__]
Scene I'd watch on endless loop: "Zebranurse!"
Doubly-irreverant nickname I keep wanting to use: "Miike Mouse"
One of the most twisted and innovative directors out there, Takashi Miike, serves up a variant of the generally detestable "if you believe in your dreams, they will come true" films that turns out to be damn entertaining.
The premise is straightforward: take a man who is a failure as an adult(he is unable to befriend or chastise the children he teaches) , a husband (his wife is cheating on him), and a father (his son is bullied at school, and his daughter is a teenage prostitute), give him a lifelong obsession with a superhero whose television show was scrapped after 7 episodes, mix in a wheelchair-bound kid who shares this same obsession, and pit these two against a horde of green-slime aliens bent on taking over the earth.
The failed teacher has made a Zebraman costume as homage to his childhood hero, and at night he dresses up in it and beats the stuffing out of... pillows. One night he ventures outdoors in costume, ostensibly to show his new wheeled friend his black-and-white finery, and encounters another nutcase wearing a crab-mask and wielding two pairs of scissors. Battle ensues. In the course of flailing about like a schoolgirl, the teacher is filled with the spirit of Zebraman, and thus begins his career as a costumed crimefighter.
Miike's rather jaded and unflinching humor crops up now and then, and the story takes a few odd and unexpected turns, making for an unconventional superhero-wannabe movie. It is well-worth the two-hour investment and, however predictable the rest of the film may be, no-one is going to be able to forsee the Zebraman finishing move.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Zebraman (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [***__]
Scene I'd watch on endless loop: "Zebranurse!"
Doubly-irreverant nickname I keep wanting to use: "Miike Mouse"
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Blood & Donuts
A pleasant, some might even say tender, film about a vampire waking up (from sleeping off the effects of a moon-landing bender, apparently) in modern(ish) Toronto, and falling in with a (immigrant?) cabbie who hangs out at a late-night donut shop. Where the OPEN sign is on the inside, and they serve donuts on a plate. Quite odd donuts, too.
Boya the Undead is fun to watch as he stumbles stiffly around like a junkie, timidly making conversation and snacking on rats. It is Earl the cabbie, though, who soon steals the show with his outlandish accent and his easygoing delivery: "Is stress. My brain, is not pliable. It cracks!"
There's a plot of some sort involving some small-time gangsters (backed by the nefarious David Cronenberg), and another involving Boya's ex from the sixties, as well as a half-hearted love triangle between the vampire, the cabbie, and the donut shop gal (with Boya reaching for the part of hypotenuse when he plants a hand on Earl's thigh). But who cares? Great dialog and quirky acting combine to make a very memorable film.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Blood & Donuts (IMDB)
Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]
Scene I'd watch on endless loop: Earl coming to grips with Boya's vampirism. "Sorry! I only know this one day and already I try to kill you, eh?"
Memories I want to erase: The CGI golfballs over the opening credits.
Boya the Undead is fun to watch as he stumbles stiffly around like a junkie, timidly making conversation and snacking on rats. It is Earl the cabbie, though, who soon steals the show with his outlandish accent and his easygoing delivery: "Is stress. My brain, is not pliable. It cracks!"
There's a plot of some sort involving some small-time gangsters (backed by the nefarious David Cronenberg), and another involving Boya's ex from the sixties, as well as a half-hearted love triangle between the vampire, the cabbie, and the donut shop gal (with Boya reaching for the part of hypotenuse when he plants a hand on Earl's thigh). But who cares? Great dialog and quirky acting combine to make a very memorable film.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Blood & Donuts (IMDB)
Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]
Scene I'd watch on endless loop: Earl coming to grips with Boya's vampirism. "Sorry! I only know this one day and already I try to kill you, eh?"
Memories I want to erase: The CGI golfballs over the opening credits.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
The Call of Cthulhu
I've been a big H. P. Lovecraft fan for a long time. I spent years scouring used bookstores for each and every book, only to feel foolish later when his work was rediscovered and mass-produced. Much like Phillip K. Dick. It's been awhile since I've read any Lovecraft -- I started with his work in high school, and there's only some many times one can re-read the entire canon -- but I'll always have a high regard for his tales of unearthly horror, often in near reach, that can shatter men's minds.
"The Call of Cthulhu" is not my favorite of his stories, and is probably overrated, but certainly lends itself well to cinematic adaptation. This half-length (45 min) black-and-white silent feature (filmed in MythoScope!) does not disappoint: the pacing, the props, the silent-era acting style all contribute to a unique, creepy-paranoid feel.
The story is simple and true to formula: man meets elder god, man loses mind, another man meets elder god. Everything is predictable, which is expected as the film is an adapatation rather than a new work inspired by the original mythos. I was at first disappointed with the cyclopean city set, expecting the 'weird geometry' to be more indicative of 4-plus dimensional space, but when guys started be swallowed up by corners I was greatly impressed.
The only disappointment in this movie is Cthulhu himself. While the directors rightly decided to use obvious stop-motion effects, they should have made his form much more difficult to discern, more shadowy. A better design artist and a better animator would bat the movie's climax right out of the bark.
A very good film, much better than any other Lovecraft adaptation and inspiration out there (with the possible exception of Cast a Deadly Spell). Let's hope the team behind this decide to team up with Giger and Svankmajer to do a full-length, modern-style Lovecraft movie that drives our brains screeching and keening right back down the stem to hide shivering at the base of our spines. Dare to dream, eh?
* * * R A T I N G * * *
The Call of Cthulhu (IMDB)
Wince : [***__] (** for the cultists, * for Cthulhu)
Flinch : [*____]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [**___]
Beerequisite : [*____]
Pornability : [_____]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [****_]
Scene I'd watch on endless loop: The crew exploring and fleeing Kong^H^H^H^H Cthulhu Island.
Memories I want to erase: The boat hitting Cthulhu's stomach.
What I would do different: Replace the Cthulhu model with Little Otik and bad lighting.
"The Call of Cthulhu" is not my favorite of his stories, and is probably overrated, but certainly lends itself well to cinematic adaptation. This half-length (45 min) black-and-white silent feature (filmed in MythoScope!) does not disappoint: the pacing, the props, the silent-era acting style all contribute to a unique, creepy-paranoid feel.
The story is simple and true to formula: man meets elder god, man loses mind, another man meets elder god. Everything is predictable, which is expected as the film is an adapatation rather than a new work inspired by the original mythos. I was at first disappointed with the cyclopean city set, expecting the 'weird geometry' to be more indicative of 4-plus dimensional space, but when guys started be swallowed up by corners I was greatly impressed.
The only disappointment in this movie is Cthulhu himself. While the directors rightly decided to use obvious stop-motion effects, they should have made his form much more difficult to discern, more shadowy. A better design artist and a better animator would bat the movie's climax right out of the bark.
A very good film, much better than any other Lovecraft adaptation and inspiration out there (with the possible exception of Cast a Deadly Spell). Let's hope the team behind this decide to team up with Giger and Svankmajer to do a full-length, modern-style Lovecraft movie that drives our brains screeching and keening right back down the stem to hide shivering at the base of our spines. Dare to dream, eh?
* * * R A T I N G * * *
The Call of Cthulhu (IMDB)
Wince : [***__] (** for the cultists, * for Cthulhu)
Flinch : [*____]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [**___]
Beerequisite : [*____]
Pornability : [_____]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [****_]
Scene I'd watch on endless loop: The crew exploring and fleeing Kong^H^H^H^H Cthulhu Island.
Memories I want to erase: The boat hitting Cthulhu's stomach.
What I would do different: Replace the Cthulhu model with Little Otik and bad lighting.
I'll See You In My Dreams
A very enjoyable short (19 min) film about zombies.
In a land where zombies rule the night and people barricade themselves indoors yet frequently venture out for a casual midnight stroll, Lucio is a zombie killer. He keeps his (late? ex-? zed-?) wife in the cellar after catching her being unfaithful and throwing her to the zombies. He saves a serving wench from the unwelcome attentions of a less charming man and, chivalrous knight that he is, takes her home and sodomizes her (servant's entrance for a serving girl, heheh). This drives his wife into a jealous, murderous, growling rage, and she assembles her zombie brethren for an attack on the couple.
This film obviously took a cue from the Evil Dead movies, with zombies that are unexpectedly effective in hand-to-hand combat. One shot in particular is straight out of Army of Darkness; you'll know it when you see it. Very well-acted, well-written, and well-shot (with Zombievision(TM)!). Teaches us the cardinal rule of post-Z-Day survival: when fighting off a horde of brainthirsty zombies, there is nothing more important to have at hand than another human.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
I'll See You In My Dreams (IMDB)
Wince : [*____]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [****_]
In a land where zombies rule the night and people barricade themselves indoors yet frequently venture out for a casual midnight stroll, Lucio is a zombie killer. He keeps his (late? ex-? zed-?) wife in the cellar after catching her being unfaithful and throwing her to the zombies. He saves a serving wench from the unwelcome attentions of a less charming man and, chivalrous knight that he is, takes her home and sodomizes her (servant's entrance for a serving girl, heheh). This drives his wife into a jealous, murderous, growling rage, and she assembles her zombie brethren for an attack on the couple.
This film obviously took a cue from the Evil Dead movies, with zombies that are unexpectedly effective in hand-to-hand combat. One shot in particular is straight out of Army of Darkness; you'll know it when you see it. Very well-acted, well-written, and well-shot (with Zombievision(TM)!). Teaches us the cardinal rule of post-Z-Day survival: when fighting off a horde of brainthirsty zombies, there is nothing more important to have at hand than another human.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
I'll See You In My Dreams (IMDB)
Wince : [*____]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [****_]
I Will Walk Like a Crazy Horse
Do you like Concept movies? Symbolism for symbolism's sake? A dwarf dressed in women's underwear? Homoerotic tension between civilization and nature? Pretentious scat films? Skeletons? Then what are you waiting for, rush out and see this!
Aden Rey, oedipal epileptic, has run off to the desert after the death of his mother, turning his back on civilization and the image-conscious upper-crust society he was raised into. He soon encounters a preternatural runt of a man (too tall and properly-proportioned to be a dwarf, yet abnormally short) eating sand. This is Marvel, tens of thousands of years old yet entirely innocent of the ways of humans. He feeds Aden some goat-turd pie, and we're off!
Marvel is the yin to Aden's yang, the nature to his nurture, the Abbott to his Costello. Naturally Aden, quite taken with Marvel (who apparently reminds him of his childhood), decides the best thing to do is to introduce him to society by taking him to the big city to meet chicks. A series of what should be slapstick gags ensues where Marvel predictably fails to interact with society properly. It's all fun and games until someone loses a prostitute, then suddenly the two are on the lamb and the film transitions into some kinds of Jesus-buddy-road-movie. Well maybe not so much 'buddy' as 'unconsummated same-sex love interest'.
There is no point in calling this film "pretentious"; that would be like calling Plan 9 From Outer Space "bad". All of the usual targets are painstakingly set up for abuse: society, politicians, businessmen, the Church, meat-eating, deforestation, consumerism, television, luxury living, landlords, responsible adults, etc. There was a rather unexpected strike at circuses, probably an attempt at a scathing indictment of greed and spectacle. The film is chock full of the kind of mysticism, healing, sex, skeletons, sex with skeletons (well, close enough), dream sequences, cross-dressing, excrement (all flavors), toenail clippings, cannibalism, crucifixes, genitals, goats, goats' genitals (just kidding, the film doesn't go *that* far), trigger-happy cops, and pompous windbags given comeuppance that one expects from the early 70s surrealist films.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
I Will Walk Like a Crazy Horse (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [***__]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [*****]
Pornability : [****_]
Obscurity : [****_]
Explicability : [*____]
Did you know...
... the Virgin Mary was a redhead?
... happiness is a naked boy shot by a firing squad of old ladies?
... dwarf urine and mud can heal all wounds?
... Jesus is Money?
"I didn't need to see that!":
* Genital torture makes baby Jesus cry.
* Male bonding via back-to-back crapping.
* That cleaver is uncomfortably close to those genitals
* So uh, yeh, that's a transexual right.
* Did he really need to put on his mother's lingerie? OK, maybe, but did the *other* guy?
Never seen *that* before:
* Not tongue-tied, but tongue-nailed.
* Was that a phallic candle or a candled phallus?
* Gas masks instead of bondage hoods, hmm...
* Beaten by blind men!
Aden Rey, oedipal epileptic, has run off to the desert after the death of his mother, turning his back on civilization and the image-conscious upper-crust society he was raised into. He soon encounters a preternatural runt of a man (too tall and properly-proportioned to be a dwarf, yet abnormally short) eating sand. This is Marvel, tens of thousands of years old yet entirely innocent of the ways of humans. He feeds Aden some goat-turd pie, and we're off!
Marvel is the yin to Aden's yang, the nature to his nurture, the Abbott to his Costello. Naturally Aden, quite taken with Marvel (who apparently reminds him of his childhood), decides the best thing to do is to introduce him to society by taking him to the big city to meet chicks. A series of what should be slapstick gags ensues where Marvel predictably fails to interact with society properly. It's all fun and games until someone loses a prostitute, then suddenly the two are on the lamb and the film transitions into some kinds of Jesus-buddy-road-movie. Well maybe not so much 'buddy' as 'unconsummated same-sex love interest'.
There is no point in calling this film "pretentious"; that would be like calling Plan 9 From Outer Space "bad". All of the usual targets are painstakingly set up for abuse: society, politicians, businessmen, the Church, meat-eating, deforestation, consumerism, television, luxury living, landlords, responsible adults, etc. There was a rather unexpected strike at circuses, probably an attempt at a scathing indictment of greed and spectacle. The film is chock full of the kind of mysticism, healing, sex, skeletons, sex with skeletons (well, close enough), dream sequences, cross-dressing, excrement (all flavors), toenail clippings, cannibalism, crucifixes, genitals, goats, goats' genitals (just kidding, the film doesn't go *that* far), trigger-happy cops, and pompous windbags given comeuppance that one expects from the early 70s surrealist films.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
I Will Walk Like a Crazy Horse (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [***__]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [*****]
Pornability : [****_]
Obscurity : [****_]
Explicability : [*____]
Did you know...
... the Virgin Mary was a redhead?
... happiness is a naked boy shot by a firing squad of old ladies?
... dwarf urine and mud can heal all wounds?
... Jesus is Money?
"I didn't need to see that!":
* Genital torture makes baby Jesus cry.
* Male bonding via back-to-back crapping.
* That cleaver is uncomfortably close to those genitals
* So uh, yeh, that's a transexual right.
* Did he really need to put on his mother's lingerie? OK, maybe, but did the *other* guy?
Never seen *that* before:
* Not tongue-tied, but tongue-nailed.
* Was that a phallic candle or a candled phallus?
* Gas masks instead of bondage hoods, hmm...
* Beaten by blind men!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Cantillon Cuvée Des Champions 2003-2004
Was given a sample of this last night: one of the best lambics I've had outside of Belgium.
Cuvée (lit. "vat") in the wine world refers to a blended batch of wines; when applied to lambics, the term seems to be a bit more flexible. This particular cuvée consists of 2001 lambics, aged for 2 years. This means it should be less sour than a gueuze (a mixture of young and old lambic), but this particular bottle was quite sour, leaving me salivating for five to ten minutes after taking a sip. Probably had something to do with adding more sugar on bottling -- gives the yeast something to munch on. Those unfamiliar with lambics should check this out.
Also had a sample of the Nøgne Ø Imperial Stout, brewed by some kids in Norway. This is a fine imperial stout that I've had a few times in the past, and it is always impressive.
Backing these two up were an Avery Reverend, an Avery Maharaja, and a Kwak (in the proper glass) -- no need to go into too much detail, but all excellent beers.
Cuvée (lit. "vat") in the wine world refers to a blended batch of wines; when applied to lambics, the term seems to be a bit more flexible. This particular cuvée consists of 2001 lambics, aged for 2 years. This means it should be less sour than a gueuze (a mixture of young and old lambic), but this particular bottle was quite sour, leaving me salivating for five to ten minutes after taking a sip. Probably had something to do with adding more sugar on bottling -- gives the yeast something to munch on. Those unfamiliar with lambics should check this out.
Also had a sample of the Nøgne Ø Imperial Stout, brewed by some kids in Norway. This is a fine imperial stout that I've had a few times in the past, and it is always impressive.
Backing these two up were an Avery Reverend, an Avery Maharaja, and a Kwak (in the proper glass) -- no need to go into too much detail, but all excellent beers.
Monday, August 20, 2007
The MKFS Film Rating System
Most film rating systems have proven unsuitable for assessing the merits of a wide range of cinema; they tend to be either uninformative, measuring a subjective impression of overall quality, or elitist, measuring the quality of the film's technical aspects (cinematography, set design, script, direction, acting). Rarely are they subtle enough to reflect the nuances that make a film stand out from the crowd.
A set of criteria are proposed here for identifying and judging the salient traits of a film, grouped in the following categories: Visceral Response, or how the body reacts to the film; Viewing Conditions, the prerequisites required to obtain, enjoy, and evangelize the film; and Lasting Impressions, a digest of what emotional trauma one is likely to carry away from the film.
Visceral Response
Note: Higher rankings indicate psychotronic films, lower rankings indicate mainstream films. It is left to the reader to determine which is better; our choice is made.
Wince (0-5)
Truly bad dialog can cause discomfort and even pain in the viewer. o indicates good acting and a solid script, for example Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead; 5 guarantees the squirming-in-your-seat opposite, ala Doom Generation or Pearls Before Swine (my current cinematic punching-bag).
Flinch (0-5)
On-screen violence can be so vicious or unexpected that the viewer's body twitches in sympathy. Note that shock and brutality are being measured, rather than gore and obscenity (see Retch, below); City of Violence, for example, cemented its Flinch : 5 rating early on with the baseball/hockey puck scene.
Retch (0-5)
Graphic depictions of gore, deformity, and perversion tend to inspire dry heaves or the thought "Oh, so that's what that looks like". 0 indicates an innocent, perhaps naive world view as demonstrated by Disney films; 5 ventures down the dank, putrid alley of German scat and snuff films.
Gape (0-5)
Many fringe and cult films fill the viewer with incredulity at the audacity or creativity of the filmmakers, a sense of "I've never seen that before, and I'm not likely to see it anywhere else". A 0 rating would suggest a safe, predictable Merchant Ivory film; a film with a 5 rating is the next Lizstomania.
Viewing Conditions
Note: Median rankings are generally better, though higher rankings tend to prove notable one way or another.
Beerequisite (0-5)
Some, nay most, movies require 2 or more potent beverages to endure. While the tolerance of the viewer and the strength of the brew will vary, empirical studies show that 5 beers is about the upper limit for a movie -- more than that, and the film is watched solely for its Pornability merits (see below). 0 for documentaries, 5 for surreal or absurdist films.
Pornability (0-5)
Imagine you are trapped at sea, or worse, at a relative's house, and this film is the only inspirational material at hand. In a pinch, could it serve as a skin flick? 0 for Mary Poppins (well, maybe a 1 if you take "chimney sweep" as a backdoor reference), 5 for any Tinto Brass film (and most Ken Russell films).
Obscurity (0-5)
The "street cred" of a film: the less distribution a film has, the more obscure it is. If the average cinemaphile hasn't heard of it, let alone seen it, chances are it's a pretty obscure film. 0 for Eraserhead, 5 for that movie your neighbor made in his garage involving his dog, the maid, and a kiddie pool filled with urine.
Explicability (0-5)
Much like obscurity, an inexplicable film is no guarantee of quality or talent. It is easy to create a film that makes no sense, using a Dadaist approach at the very least; a film that defies explanation, but that still retains meaning and entertainment value, is another matter entirely. This scale measures how easy it is to explain a movie, with higher values (for once) indicating normalcy: a 0 is more cryptic than El Topo and Funky Forest: First Contact, while a 5 is the buddy-cop movie that everyone has seen a hundred variations of.
Lasting Impressions
Note: This category will be different for each film, due to the wide (some might even say extreme) range in quality of the works reviewed. Some generally-applicable impressions follow.
Reality Check (Freeform response)
Let's face it, scriptwriters spend all of their time watching Hollywood movies, not interacting with the real world, and eager directors will settle for the first remotely plausible set they encounter. This section lists moments of ludicrous implausibility, whether they be broken laws of physics, improbable character behavior, unconvincing sets/props, hitting like a girl (and winning), or naive representions of the criminal underworld.
Scene I'd watch on endless loop (Freeform response)
Many otherwise poor movies contain scenes that are quite striking, which would be better off as standalone reels used for atmospheric effect (or porn). Any scene which rises far above the rest of the movie it is mired in, regardless of the mood it inspires, deserves to be recognized.
Memories I want to erase (Freeform response)
This could be considered an extension of the Gape and Retch indexes, but it is actually more general than that. A special mention should be made of any scene which is so disturbingly bad, whether through gore, perversion, script, or acting, that the viewer decides to fund research into mind-wiping technology.
What I would do different (Freeform response)
One of the pleasures of watching films of less than top-notch writing quality is the sense of dissatisfaction at the way the plot played out, and the subsequent smugness one feels at devising a much better version. After all, didn't we all want Jar-Jar to die? Horrifically? For 180 or so minutes?
A set of criteria are proposed here for identifying and judging the salient traits of a film, grouped in the following categories: Visceral Response, or how the body reacts to the film; Viewing Conditions, the prerequisites required to obtain, enjoy, and evangelize the film; and Lasting Impressions, a digest of what emotional trauma one is likely to carry away from the film.
Visceral Response
Note: Higher rankings indicate psychotronic films, lower rankings indicate mainstream films. It is left to the reader to determine which is better; our choice is made.
Wince (0-5)
Truly bad dialog can cause discomfort and even pain in the viewer. o indicates good acting and a solid script, for example Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead; 5 guarantees the squirming-in-your-seat opposite, ala Doom Generation or Pearls Before Swine (my current cinematic punching-bag).
Flinch (0-5)
On-screen violence can be so vicious or unexpected that the viewer's body twitches in sympathy. Note that shock and brutality are being measured, rather than gore and obscenity (see Retch, below); City of Violence, for example, cemented its Flinch : 5 rating early on with the baseball/hockey puck scene.
Retch (0-5)
Graphic depictions of gore, deformity, and perversion tend to inspire dry heaves or the thought "Oh, so that's what that looks like". 0 indicates an innocent, perhaps naive world view as demonstrated by Disney films; 5 ventures down the dank, putrid alley of German scat and snuff films.
Gape (0-5)
Many fringe and cult films fill the viewer with incredulity at the audacity or creativity of the filmmakers, a sense of "I've never seen that before, and I'm not likely to see it anywhere else". A 0 rating would suggest a safe, predictable Merchant Ivory film; a film with a 5 rating is the next Lizstomania.
Viewing Conditions
Note: Median rankings are generally better, though higher rankings tend to prove notable one way or another.
Beerequisite (0-5)
Some, nay most, movies require 2 or more potent beverages to endure. While the tolerance of the viewer and the strength of the brew will vary, empirical studies show that 5 beers is about the upper limit for a movie -- more than that, and the film is watched solely for its Pornability merits (see below). 0 for documentaries, 5 for surreal or absurdist films.
Pornability (0-5)
Imagine you are trapped at sea, or worse, at a relative's house, and this film is the only inspirational material at hand. In a pinch, could it serve as a skin flick? 0 for Mary Poppins (well, maybe a 1 if you take "chimney sweep" as a backdoor reference), 5 for any Tinto Brass film (and most Ken Russell films).
Obscurity (0-5)
The "street cred" of a film: the less distribution a film has, the more obscure it is. If the average cinemaphile hasn't heard of it, let alone seen it, chances are it's a pretty obscure film. 0 for Eraserhead, 5 for that movie your neighbor made in his garage involving his dog, the maid, and a kiddie pool filled with urine.
Explicability (0-5)
Much like obscurity, an inexplicable film is no guarantee of quality or talent. It is easy to create a film that makes no sense, using a Dadaist approach at the very least; a film that defies explanation, but that still retains meaning and entertainment value, is another matter entirely. This scale measures how easy it is to explain a movie, with higher values (for once) indicating normalcy: a 0 is more cryptic than El Topo and Funky Forest: First Contact, while a 5 is the buddy-cop movie that everyone has seen a hundred variations of.
Lasting Impressions
Note: This category will be different for each film, due to the wide (some might even say extreme) range in quality of the works reviewed. Some generally-applicable impressions follow.
Reality Check (Freeform response)
Let's face it, scriptwriters spend all of their time watching Hollywood movies, not interacting with the real world, and eager directors will settle for the first remotely plausible set they encounter. This section lists moments of ludicrous implausibility, whether they be broken laws of physics, improbable character behavior, unconvincing sets/props, hitting like a girl (and winning), or naive representions of the criminal underworld.
Scene I'd watch on endless loop (Freeform response)
Many otherwise poor movies contain scenes that are quite striking, which would be better off as standalone reels used for atmospheric effect (or porn). Any scene which rises far above the rest of the movie it is mired in, regardless of the mood it inspires, deserves to be recognized.
Memories I want to erase (Freeform response)
This could be considered an extension of the Gape and Retch indexes, but it is actually more general than that. A special mention should be made of any scene which is so disturbingly bad, whether through gore, perversion, script, or acting, that the viewer decides to fund research into mind-wiping technology.
What I would do different (Freeform response)
One of the pleasures of watching films of less than top-notch writing quality is the sense of dissatisfaction at the way the plot played out, and the subsequent smugness one feels at devising a much better version. After all, didn't we all want Jar-Jar to die? Horrifically? For 180 or so minutes?
Fingers
Part two of Saturday's lineup.
Harvey Keitel plays a classical pianist who does occasional collection work for his small-time loanshark dad. This is one of Keitel's best performances: 'Fingers' is a sociopath who constantly blasts 'Summertime' on his portable radio, beats a pizza shop owner in front of his son, rapes (or was she asking for it?) Tanya Roberts in a bathroom, leers at a nearby young girl while trying to talk his way out of being arrested, and stalks and rapes (or was *she* asking for it?) Tisa Farrow for her vacant stare. You don't like the guy, you're amazed that more characters onscreen aren't kicking three kinds of crap out of him, and you don't think you'll like where it's all going to end up.
Where it's all going to end up is obvious from the moment Dad says "hey, by the way, that last job is going to be tough: the guy stuck a gun in my ear when I came for my money", but Keitel's performance of the ostensibly conflicted and genuinely unstable 'Fingers' is fantastic enough to keep you watching. Knowing Keitel's reputation as a method actor, you have to wonder what lengths he went to when preparing for this film. Especially during the prostate exam.
All in all, a fine and vastly underrated film.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Fingers (IMDB)
Wince : [**___] (-1 * for being a sociopath)
Flinch : [****_]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [*____]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [****_]
Harvey Keitel plays a classical pianist who does occasional collection work for his small-time loanshark dad. This is one of Keitel's best performances: 'Fingers' is a sociopath who constantly blasts 'Summertime' on his portable radio, beats a pizza shop owner in front of his son, rapes (or was she asking for it?) Tanya Roberts in a bathroom, leers at a nearby young girl while trying to talk his way out of being arrested, and stalks and rapes (or was *she* asking for it?) Tisa Farrow for her vacant stare. You don't like the guy, you're amazed that more characters onscreen aren't kicking three kinds of crap out of him, and you don't think you'll like where it's all going to end up.
Where it's all going to end up is obvious from the moment Dad says "hey, by the way, that last job is going to be tough: the guy stuck a gun in my ear when I came for my money", but Keitel's performance of the ostensibly conflicted and genuinely unstable 'Fingers' is fantastic enough to keep you watching. Knowing Keitel's reputation as a method actor, you have to wonder what lengths he went to when preparing for this film. Especially during the prostate exam.
All in all, a fine and vastly underrated film.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Fingers (IMDB)
Wince : [**___] (-1 * for being a sociopath)
Flinch : [****_]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [*____]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [****_]
The Atrocity Exhibition
This is a novel (?) that I've wanted to read for a long time, ever since RE/Search reproduced it along with Octave Mirbeau's The Torture Garden in a half-hearted attempt to re-release banned books. The RE/Search editions had pictures, so I had to find proper editions of these: the Mirbeau at a used bookstore somewhere between the Tenderloin and North Beach, the Ballard at a mall (!) bookstore in England. Guess they've stopped banning it.
I was a bit disappointed. The narrative is nonlinear and fragmented, but in some sense having direction as each segment helps illuminate those that follow. Ballard recommends reading the segments at random, as that is how he wrote it. This is known, in the reading trade, as a bad sign. Still, one of my favorite Ballard shorts, "The Assassination of President Kennedy Considered as a Downhill Race", was included in this book, so I gave it a go.
Essentially, the protagonist has many selves (one in each chapter) who all try to use collections of seemingly unrelated objects (generally, but not exclusively, photos, artwork, and fragments of text) as a catalyst for changing (and understanding) reality. It's hard to get more specific without rewriting the entire book; suffice to say that many of the obsessions found in Ballard's later work are here (Crash and Super-Cannes probably being the most obvious), as well as a few mid-sixties fixations (pop art, the space race, the JFK assassination to name a few).
As experimental fiction, I cannot judge it. As a novel, or as a collection of short stories, it is outshone by virtually everything else Ballard has written. As a window into the mind of the author, however, it is fantastic -- especially the new edition with Ballard's endnotes.
I was a bit disappointed. The narrative is nonlinear and fragmented, but in some sense having direction as each segment helps illuminate those that follow. Ballard recommends reading the segments at random, as that is how he wrote it. This is known, in the reading trade, as a bad sign. Still, one of my favorite Ballard shorts, "The Assassination of President Kennedy Considered as a Downhill Race", was included in this book, so I gave it a go.
Essentially, the protagonist has many selves (one in each chapter) who all try to use collections of seemingly unrelated objects (generally, but not exclusively, photos, artwork, and fragments of text) as a catalyst for changing (and understanding) reality. It's hard to get more specific without rewriting the entire book; suffice to say that many of the obsessions found in Ballard's later work are here (Crash and Super-Cannes probably being the most obvious), as well as a few mid-sixties fixations (pop art, the space race, the JFK assassination to name a few).
As experimental fiction, I cannot judge it. As a novel, or as a collection of short stories, it is outshone by virtually everything else Ballard has written. As a window into the mind of the author, however, it is fantastic -- especially the new edition with Ballard's endnotes.
Brain Damage
Part one of saturday night's double feature.
Oh man, if I had known that this was another offering from Frankenhooker auteur Frank Henenlotter (I just realized how many letters of his name are in that title!), I would have been much more forgiving of the initial badly-acted scenes.
This movie became classic the instant Aylmer, a purple parasitic brainstem (hmm, sounds like a college drink) climbs up on the main character's shoulder and says hello in his (its?) silky voice. The movie has huge anti-drug overtones: Aylmer injects super-addicitive blue liquid into his host's spinal cord which causes them to hallucinate (colors!) while he kills (other) people. Aylmer generally lives in whats-his-name's shirt, though occasionally he ventures down south, leading up to the infamous 'fellatio scene' which is truly what puts this movie on the map.
Alymer carries the movie, leaving you uncaring about the human cast (much as he/it is). I heartily recommend subjecting an unsuspecting victim to this movie.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Brain Damage (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]
Oh man, if I had known that this was another offering from Frankenhooker auteur Frank Henenlotter (I just realized how many letters of his name are in that title!), I would have been much more forgiving of the initial badly-acted scenes.
This movie became classic the instant Aylmer, a purple parasitic brainstem (hmm, sounds like a college drink) climbs up on the main character's shoulder and says hello in his (its?) silky voice. The movie has huge anti-drug overtones: Aylmer injects super-addicitive blue liquid into his host's spinal cord which causes them to hallucinate (colors!) while he kills (other) people. Aylmer generally lives in whats-his-name's shirt, though occasionally he ventures down south, leading up to the infamous 'fellatio scene' which is truly what puts this movie on the map.
Alymer carries the movie, leaving you uncaring about the human cast (much as he/it is). I heartily recommend subjecting an unsuspecting victim to this movie.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Brain Damage (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]
Wild Zero
The second half of Friday's double feature.
I was not going to give this its own post ... and then I remembered the Captain! This guy has a Prince Valiant (sometimes red!), a goatee, a milk habit, and a pair of laced-up-the-haunch lycra shorts that would make the entirety of the Folsom Street Fair blush. He giggles a lot, pops pills, drives a flame-spouting (don't worry, they all do that) merc, and packs an RPG. He, uh, may or may not be straight, though between the hair and the ass-huggers it really doesn't matter.
The Captain is hunting rocker Guitar Wolf (backed by Bass Wolf and Drum Wolf, naturally), who is racing to help psuedo-rocker Ace, who is trying to find his hours-old girlfriend Tobio, who is being attacked by zombies. Did I mention she's a tranny? Or the Lara Croft ripoff in a houndstooth bodysuit? Only in Japan, people, I can't make this stuff up.
As far as rockabilly zombie (not vampire) movies go, not bad. Otherwise, eh. Has its moments.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Wild Zero (IMDB)
Wince : [****_] (-1 * for subtitles)
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [*****]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]
I was not going to give this its own post ... and then I remembered the Captain! This guy has a Prince Valiant (sometimes red!), a goatee, a milk habit, and a pair of laced-up-the-haunch lycra shorts that would make the entirety of the Folsom Street Fair blush. He giggles a lot, pops pills, drives a flame-spouting (don't worry, they all do that) merc, and packs an RPG. He, uh, may or may not be straight, though between the hair and the ass-huggers it really doesn't matter.
The Captain is hunting rocker Guitar Wolf (backed by Bass Wolf and Drum Wolf, naturally), who is racing to help psuedo-rocker Ace, who is trying to find his hours-old girlfriend Tobio, who is being attacked by zombies. Did I mention she's a tranny? Or the Lara Croft ripoff in a houndstooth bodysuit? Only in Japan, people, I can't make this stuff up.
As far as rockabilly zombie (not vampire) movies go, not bad. Otherwise, eh. Has its moments.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Wild Zero (IMDB)
Wince : [****_] (-1 * for subtitles)
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [*****]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]
Prime Cut
The first half of Friday's double-feature.
Lee Marvin versus Gene Hackman: the Chicago mob coming down on a Kansas City slaughterhouse owner/meatpacker, with the mob playing the sympathetic character, oddly enough. There's meat (do we see a theme here?), a combine-harvester, a sex slave auction, and no doubt about the outcome in this movie.
If you see one Lee Marvin vs Gene Hackman movie this year, make it this one.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Prime Cut (IMDB)
Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [*____]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [****_]
Lee Marvin versus Gene Hackman: the Chicago mob coming down on a Kansas City slaughterhouse owner/meatpacker, with the mob playing the sympathetic character, oddly enough. There's meat (do we see a theme here?), a combine-harvester, a sex slave auction, and no doubt about the outcome in this movie.
If you see one Lee Marvin vs Gene Hackman movie this year, make it this one.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Prime Cut (IMDB)
Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [*____]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [****_]
Mad Cowgirl
Thursday's feature flick.
The fragmented and moving tale of a lovelorn meat inspector, her love of (western) kung-fu movies, her exposure to BSE, and her subsequent killing spree. A film for the most jaded palate, this one has everything: beef, leering priests, more beef, incest, cannibalism (or was that still more beef?), even a flying guillotine!
I'm sending a copy of this to every vegan I know.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Mad Cowgirl (IMDB)
Wince : [****_]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [***__]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [****_]
Obscurity : [****_]
Explicability : [*____]
The fragmented and moving tale of a lovelorn meat inspector, her love of (western) kung-fu movies, her exposure to BSE, and her subsequent killing spree. A film for the most jaded palate, this one has everything: beef, leering priests, more beef, incest, cannibalism (or was that still more beef?), even a flying guillotine!
I'm sending a copy of this to every vegan I know.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Mad Cowgirl (IMDB)
Wince : [****_]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [***__]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [****_]
Obscurity : [****_]
Explicability : [*____]
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