Inspired by a video game, y'say? Hard to tell.
There's only one way to ruin a movie about a bikini-clad cowgirl slicing up zombies in a post-apocalyptic world as she hunts down her Japanese-schoolgirl rival, and that's with exposition. Slow, plodding exposition in and around every fight scene. Which themselves are filmed in the jerky digicam style that works well for riots, gang beatings and zombies, but which screams "We couldn't get a choreographer!" when applied to martial arts.
The action is dull, the attempts to further the plot are worse, the zombies oscillate between skilled/intelligent and slow-moving/dull-witted without any discernible pattern, the bikini is too large and the sword is too small. There's just not much to like here, even the tacked-on manga-style ending.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
OneChanbara (NYAFF, IMDB)
Wince : [****_]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [*****]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [***__]
Showing posts with label zombies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label zombies. Show all posts
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
Blood Diner
Two brothers open a vegetarian diner (well, it serves vegetarians, often to other vegetarians) after exhuming their sorcerer/serial-killer father and transplanting his still-living eyes and brain into a jar in order to guide them in their virgin-mutilating (and sewing back together) quest to reincarnate the five-million-year-old goddess Shitar.
Quite a mouthful, eh? And I didn't even mention the zombie-rock concert finale!
This film truly has everything. A must-see, and see-again.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Blood Diner (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [***__]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [****_]
Explicability : [**___]
Reality Check: Wait, the human race is HOW old again?
Character Most Likely to be Reborn as a WWF Star: Little Jimmy Hitler
Things I've Never Seen Before: Did he just cut off his own penis and threaten to use it as a weapon?
Other Notable Moments:
* Ouch! Killed by a deep fryer in the most horrible head-battered fashion!
* Who is manning that ventriloquist dummy?
* Topless Aerobics! Yay!
* Another Hitler?
* It's the build-your-own-cheerleader store!
* "The killer was last seen with a knife in one hand, and his genitals in the other."
Quite a mouthful, eh? And I didn't even mention the zombie-rock concert finale!
This film truly has everything. A must-see, and see-again.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Blood Diner (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [***__]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [****_]
Explicability : [**___]
Reality Check: Wait, the human race is HOW old again?
Character Most Likely to be Reborn as a WWF Star: Little Jimmy Hitler
Things I've Never Seen Before: Did he just cut off his own penis and threaten to use it as a weapon?
Other Notable Moments:
* Ouch! Killed by a deep fryer in the most horrible head-battered fashion!
* Who is manning that ventriloquist dummy?
* Topless Aerobics! Yay!
* Another Hitler?
* It's the build-your-own-cheerleader store!
* "The killer was last seen with a knife in one hand, and his genitals in the other."
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
The Slaughter
"You can't spell slaughter without laughter!" And apparently you can film The Slaughter without a slaughter.
Six college students (the jock! the slut! the misfit! the valedictorian! the pothead! the other one!) with a crappy job (clean up an abandoned house, where have I heard that before) are attacked by a racked demoness. Throw in a sleazy corporate exec and his aide, drop some blood on a buried occult book, stir, and let set.
OK, there are some potentially funny references to other horror films ("what kind of zombies are those?", "we're not going to split up like they do in the horror films"), but the timing is quite bad, and the quality of the acting isn't exactly top-notch either.
Ultimately an enjoyable college-kids-killed-by-demons-and-zombies film, though it does overreach a bit.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
The Slaughter (IMDB)
Wince : [*****]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [***__]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [*****]
Pornability : [***__]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]
Important zombie fact: In addition to slow-moving Dawn of the Dead zombies and fast, kung-fu master Evil Dead zombies, there are slow-moving-with-fast-reflexes Slaughter zombies.
Six college students (the jock! the slut! the misfit! the valedictorian! the pothead! the other one!) with a crappy job (clean up an abandoned house, where have I heard that before) are attacked by a racked demoness. Throw in a sleazy corporate exec and his aide, drop some blood on a buried occult book, stir, and let set.
OK, there are some potentially funny references to other horror films ("what kind of zombies are those?", "we're not going to split up like they do in the horror films"), but the timing is quite bad, and the quality of the acting isn't exactly top-notch either.
Ultimately an enjoyable college-kids-killed-by-demons-and-zombies film, though it does overreach a bit.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
The Slaughter (IMDB)
Wince : [*****]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [***__]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [*****]
Pornability : [***__]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]
Important zombie fact: In addition to slow-moving Dawn of the Dead zombies and fast, kung-fu master Evil Dead zombies, there are slow-moving-with-fast-reflexes Slaughter zombies.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Army of Darkness
How many times can one see Bruce Campbell Vs The Army Of Darkness? Never too many, apparently.
Caught this in a midnight showing, deciding to make this the first sober viewing of the film. The film is just as funny without the aid of anaesthetic, though the production quality and continuity flaws become glaringly obvious.
Unfortunately, this was the original American film distribution, with the lame S-Mart ending instead of the proper "I slept too loooooong!" one, and minus quite a few battle scenes (e.g. "We... are... des-er-ted!"). Luckily, that didn't stop the audience from knowing the lines and shouting them with impunity.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Army of Darkness
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [****_]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [*____]
Explicability : [***__]
Surprise sober realization: Man, Ash really is quite an asshole, isn't he?
Blade Runner flashback: So *that's* how you win a woman over, eh?
Caught this in a midnight showing, deciding to make this the first sober viewing of the film. The film is just as funny without the aid of anaesthetic, though the production quality and continuity flaws become glaringly obvious.
Unfortunately, this was the original American film distribution, with the lame S-Mart ending instead of the proper "I slept too loooooong!" one, and minus quite a few battle scenes (e.g. "We... are... des-er-ted!"). Luckily, that didn't stop the audience from knowing the lines and shouting them with impunity.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Army of Darkness
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [****_]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [*____]
Explicability : [***__]
Surprise sober realization: Man, Ash really is quite an asshole, isn't he?
Blade Runner flashback: So *that's* how you win a woman over, eh?
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tokyo Zombie
Black Fuji, a mountainous landfill where people have been burying garbage, old refrigerators, and dead (or not so dead) relatives for years, has started producing zombies from its depths. Lots of zombies: enough to destroy Tokyo.
What do the locals decide to do? Use them for ju-jitsu practice!
The plot is a straightforward ju-jitsu/zombie/apocalypse film, but the fun is in the details: a soda-swilling terrorist, a vampire zombie, the Masked Zombie, the Squeeze Electric Company, and what could be the first ever case of a human biting a zombie.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Tôkyô zonbi (IMDB)
Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [****_]
Explicability : [***__]
Favorite nickname: Zombald!
What do the locals decide to do? Use them for ju-jitsu practice!
The plot is a straightforward ju-jitsu/zombie/apocalypse film, but the fun is in the details: a soda-swilling terrorist, a vampire zombie, the Masked Zombie, the Squeeze Electric Company, and what could be the first ever case of a human biting a zombie.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Tôkyô zonbi (IMDB)
Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [****_]
Explicability : [***__]
Favorite nickname: Zombald!
Monday, October 22, 2007
Night of the Living Dead
Yup, the 60s classic zombie film that really got the ball rolling.
This was showing at a midnight screening this weekend, and seemed as good a venue as any to ride out the effects of an all-day beer-swilling barbeque.
The film was apparently a restored version or some such, though it is really impossible to tell. Having watched a fair share of zombie films, it is fun to look at the early work and see just how much stemmed from this movie: the use of radio/tv to explain events, the minority or underdog taking command, the ineffectiveness of the government.
Not to mention all of the rules of properly handling a zombie infestation: shoot the head, keep fire around, board up everything, burn your casualties, always have an exit. Night of the Living Dead is a bit slow-moving and dated, but if you ever are in the mood for seeing how unoriginal most other zombie films are, give it a watch.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Night of the Living Dead (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [*____]
Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [_____]
Obscurity : [_____]
Explicability : [**___]
This was showing at a midnight screening this weekend, and seemed as good a venue as any to ride out the effects of an all-day beer-swilling barbeque.
The film was apparently a restored version or some such, though it is really impossible to tell. Having watched a fair share of zombie films, it is fun to look at the early work and see just how much stemmed from this movie: the use of radio/tv to explain events, the minority or underdog taking command, the ineffectiveness of the government.
Not to mention all of the rules of properly handling a zombie infestation: shoot the head, keep fire around, board up everything, burn your casualties, always have an exit. Night of the Living Dead is a bit slow-moving and dated, but if you ever are in the mood for seeing how unoriginal most other zombie films are, give it a watch.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Night of the Living Dead (IMDB)
Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [*____]
Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [_____]
Obscurity : [_____]
Explicability : [**___]
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I'll See You In My Dreams
A very enjoyable short (19 min) film about zombies.
In a land where zombies rule the night and people barricade themselves indoors yet frequently venture out for a casual midnight stroll, Lucio is a zombie killer. He keeps his (late? ex-? zed-?) wife in the cellar after catching her being unfaithful and throwing her to the zombies. He saves a serving wench from the unwelcome attentions of a less charming man and, chivalrous knight that he is, takes her home and sodomizes her (servant's entrance for a serving girl, heheh). This drives his wife into a jealous, murderous, growling rage, and she assembles her zombie brethren for an attack on the couple.
This film obviously took a cue from the Evil Dead movies, with zombies that are unexpectedly effective in hand-to-hand combat. One shot in particular is straight out of Army of Darkness; you'll know it when you see it. Very well-acted, well-written, and well-shot (with Zombievision(TM)!). Teaches us the cardinal rule of post-Z-Day survival: when fighting off a horde of brainthirsty zombies, there is nothing more important to have at hand than another human.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
I'll See You In My Dreams (IMDB)
Wince : [*____]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [****_]
In a land where zombies rule the night and people barricade themselves indoors yet frequently venture out for a casual midnight stroll, Lucio is a zombie killer. He keeps his (late? ex-? zed-?) wife in the cellar after catching her being unfaithful and throwing her to the zombies. He saves a serving wench from the unwelcome attentions of a less charming man and, chivalrous knight that he is, takes her home and sodomizes her (servant's entrance for a serving girl, heheh). This drives his wife into a jealous, murderous, growling rage, and she assembles her zombie brethren for an attack on the couple.
This film obviously took a cue from the Evil Dead movies, with zombies that are unexpectedly effective in hand-to-hand combat. One shot in particular is straight out of Army of Darkness; you'll know it when you see it. Very well-acted, well-written, and well-shot (with Zombievision(TM)!). Teaches us the cardinal rule of post-Z-Day survival: when fighting off a horde of brainthirsty zombies, there is nothing more important to have at hand than another human.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
I'll See You In My Dreams (IMDB)
Wince : [*____]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [***__]
Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [****_]
Monday, August 20, 2007
Wild Zero
The second half of Friday's double feature.
I was not going to give this its own post ... and then I remembered the Captain! This guy has a Prince Valiant (sometimes red!), a goatee, a milk habit, and a pair of laced-up-the-haunch lycra shorts that would make the entirety of the Folsom Street Fair blush. He giggles a lot, pops pills, drives a flame-spouting (don't worry, they all do that) merc, and packs an RPG. He, uh, may or may not be straight, though between the hair and the ass-huggers it really doesn't matter.
The Captain is hunting rocker Guitar Wolf (backed by Bass Wolf and Drum Wolf, naturally), who is racing to help psuedo-rocker Ace, who is trying to find his hours-old girlfriend Tobio, who is being attacked by zombies. Did I mention she's a tranny? Or the Lara Croft ripoff in a houndstooth bodysuit? Only in Japan, people, I can't make this stuff up.
As far as rockabilly zombie (not vampire) movies go, not bad. Otherwise, eh. Has its moments.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Wild Zero (IMDB)
Wince : [****_] (-1 * for subtitles)
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [*****]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]
I was not going to give this its own post ... and then I remembered the Captain! This guy has a Prince Valiant (sometimes red!), a goatee, a milk habit, and a pair of laced-up-the-haunch lycra shorts that would make the entirety of the Folsom Street Fair blush. He giggles a lot, pops pills, drives a flame-spouting (don't worry, they all do that) merc, and packs an RPG. He, uh, may or may not be straight, though between the hair and the ass-huggers it really doesn't matter.
The Captain is hunting rocker Guitar Wolf (backed by Bass Wolf and Drum Wolf, naturally), who is racing to help psuedo-rocker Ace, who is trying to find his hours-old girlfriend Tobio, who is being attacked by zombies. Did I mention she's a tranny? Or the Lara Croft ripoff in a houndstooth bodysuit? Only in Japan, people, I can't make this stuff up.
As far as rockabilly zombie (not vampire) movies go, not bad. Otherwise, eh. Has its moments.
* * * R A T I N G * * *
Wild Zero (IMDB)
Wince : [****_] (-1 * for subtitles)
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [****_]
Beerequisite : [*****]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]
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