The Girl From Rio

It's a strange and wonderful world where someone makes a ripoff of Zeta One. Or so I thought, until I checked IMDB and found that Zeta was produced either concurrently or after this film.

The plot of this is strikingly similar: a secret agent has to defend the world from an invasion of amazons. Sadly, Rio doesn't have half of the camp (or flesh) of Zeta, and remains steadfastly mainstream throughout.

This movie makes so little sense, it's basically a series of strung-together events that attempt to put the characters in different situations. There's a kidnapping, actually two kidnappings, some very hand-wavy torture, a daring escape, some footage of the carnival (how did a reel of vacation footage get in here?), a hostage situation, and some guys in rented helicopters throwing plastic bags at the girls. It ends with a miniskirt funeral, which is eerily reminiscent of a Robert Palmer video.

Still, there are some moments. The older gentleman with the nymphomanical young secretary reads Popeye comics while his henchmen beat up and drown a girl (but he hates violence!). The uniforms of the valiant solders of Feminia are a sure crowd-pleaser -- jump up and down for us, girls!


* * * R A T I N G * * *

The Seven Secrets of Sumuru (IMDB)

Wince : [*****]
Flinch : [*____]
Retch : [_____]
Gape : [***__]

Beerequisite : [*****]
Pornability : [***__]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [*____]

Reality Check:
There is no need to hold a gun to someone's chin when taking them hostage. Of course, there's no need to hit like a girl when he takes it away from you, either.
The airport looks like someone's house!
How does a doctor's mirror improves your accuracy with a machine-gun?
Dental X-rays destroy your internal organs slowly, sure... isn't that why they make you wear those lead vests?
Ah, of course, the only way to extract information from a man: the dreaded topless three-way kissing torture!
So if someone wants you and the girl dead, and she has the girl held hostage, naturally what you do is turn yourself over so that both of you can be killed, right? Good plan!
As far as death-rays go, the dental x-ray machine is a pretty easy one to defeat. I bet this guy is wondering why he didn't think of just kicking the thing earlier.
You call that an army? You call those guns?? You call that an explosion?!?
Bullets must fly pretty fast to make you fall before the guns are fired. That's downright Einsteinian.

Favorite outfit: That Y-shaped thing one of the women uses to sedure her leader. How the hell does that thing stay on?