Cloverfield

Hyped in Manhattan, hated by Ron Jeremy*, compared with Blair Witch due to its "found footage" approach.

This is a simple film: a monster is rampaging through Manhattan, the main characters are idiots, everyone dies. The film's big money shot, the head of the Statue of Liberty getting rolled down some LES street, is shown fairly early to let you know that it's time to just sit back and watch everyone get killed.

Very enjoyable, for what it is -- what it is being a monster movie with no script to speak of and a lot of shaky camera work (which, if you follow modern cinema at all, shouldn't bother you). Seeing it in Manhattan makes you leave the theater cringing, constantly on the lookout for CGI tentacle-legs to come crushing down from above.

The monster is a vague CGI thing that seems different every time it appears (oops?), the introductory party/romance scene is far too long and dull, and the character with the camera not only fails to point it in the right direction, but is so annoying that you find yourself pray he dies so that someone else can take a turn behind the lens.

All in all: fun to watch, more fun to bitch about at the pub afterwards.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Cloverfield (IMDB)

Wince : [****_]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [***__]
Gape : [**___]

Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [_____]
Obscurity : [_____]
Explicability : [**___]

* Ron Jeremy does not appear in or around this film; He simply expressed His great Displeasure at a book-signing shortly after seeing this.

The Taste of Tea

A family drama, and a bit of a dress rehearsal for Funky Forest (including as actors Guitar Brother and one of the duo of galactic comedians). Character-driven surrealism culminating in a sunflower supernova.

The inimitable Yamada from Sharkskin Man, Peach Hip Girl provides another memorable performance here as the eccentric grandfather who drives everyone else's success -- including the production what may be the most irritating, and at the same time most catchy, pop songs to be featured in a film.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Cha no aji (IMDB)

Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [***__]

Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [_____]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [**___]

What Would Jesus Buy

Reverend Billy and his Church of Stop Shopping star in this coverage of the 2006 (?) Christmas season. They tour the country, preaching and singing the message "Don't buy gifts, put love back into Christmas", and generally being escorted off private properties (and occasionally into jail).

Overall, it's a general anti-consumerism film: Wal-Mart is evil, don't buy anything not made in America, small-town America has no sidewalks, etc. Typically, the grey areas of these issues are ignored (What would sweatshop workers do if they weren't employed? Don't Wal-Marts low prices benefit the unemployed and disabled?), so don't expect any depth added to the debate; Reverend Billy's are pure showmanship in service of a simple message.

Still, one character ( I believe it was the Wal-Mart pastor, amusingly enough) made the good point that America has to choose between low prices and high wages; every solution is going to be double-edged. And you have to hand it to Reverend Billy and the choir: he is entertaining, and they are talented.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

What Would Jesus Buy? (IMDB)

Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [_____]
Retch : [_____]
Gape : [*____]

Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [_____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

As if there weren't enough existential questions keeping me up nights, I've stumbled across another one: How the hell did Hollywood produce something this funny?

Most people should remember this film: when it was released, billboards and buses were plastered with advertisements for it. Which is a huge mistake, because the people who would like this type of movie are also the ones who refuse to see anything advertised via saturation bombing.

The plot is evident from the title: some guy dates a superheroine named G-Girl, breaks up with her, and suffers the fury of a wonder woman scorned. The gags can be predictable but are well timed and funny as hell; there's a car, a shark, a chainsaw, and a meteor chucked in at odd moments to keep things interesting. And Eddie Izzard has some plot to destroy G-Girl by stripping her of her powers.

All that, and a supergirl-catfight thrown in at the end. How can you go wrong?

* * * R A T I N G * * *

My Super Ex-Girlfriend (IMDB)

Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [***__]

Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [*____]
Explicability : [***__]

Diva

A postman makes a bootleg recording of an opera singer, steals her dress (I'd assumed to masturbate onto, and I wasn't far off), gets mixed up with a white slavery ring, and is pursued through Paris by a Taiwanese record label and a Carribean crime syndicate. Throw in a moped chase through the Metro and an underaged asian gal for good measure, and you end up with quite a good film.

There's a lot to like about this one : a throwing awl (a nice complement to Master of the Flying Guillotine's Indian throwing owl), a cat named Ayatollha, the Zen of toast. As the pace picks up, so does the cinematography, and towards the end of the film there are some very beautiful shots.


* * * R A T I N G * * *

Diva (IMDB)

Wince : [_____]
Flinch : [*____]
Retch : [_____]
Gape : [**___]

Beerequisite : [_____]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [*____]
Explicability : [***__]

Murder Party

Everybody dies!

A meter mate (or whatever a male meter maid is called) finds an invitation to a Halloween party in Brooklyn, called 'The Murder Party' and advising him to come alone. It wouldn't be a movie if he just chucked it in the bin, now would it?

The party is, of course, hosted by serial killers -- in this case, narcissistic Williamsburg artists (trust me, if you've been to Open Studios, you've seen half this movie) looking to get a grant by performing murder-as-Art. They tie ol' DeadMeat up and play Truth or Dare with Scopolamine, which is of course where the cracks in the group start to show. And, of course, Everybody Dies.

The film is a bit slow, taking over an hour for anything to really happen, but it's a nice buildup . The humor is a bit of a slow-burn as well; there are few laugh-at-loud moments, but much that sticks with you. This could be a flaw in the scriptwriting, as the idea is more amusing than the execution, but the movie is entertaining regardless, and the performances are all quite solid.

Good one to watch while gearing up for that Halloween party.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Murder Party (IMDB)

Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [***__]

Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [**___]

Kudos: How many horror films set in NYC recognize that murder and torture pale in comparison to losing your Metrocard?

Show-stealer: Despite the strong performances of the self-absorbed Lexi, the sneering Alexander, and "kill me"-eyed Chris, it is Gameboy-fixated Bill who ultimately makes the movie.

Scene I'd watch on endless loop: The Art Room. For the art. Really.

Most dreaded event that didn't happen: I was truly frightened that the film would have one of those "it was all fake" endings, or that the artists would drug their victim and apply makeup to make him think he had been tortured. That would have been just horrible.

Random Acts of Senseless Violence

Jack Womack's Random Acts of Senseless Violence is not a feelgood novel.

The book takes the form of the diary of Lola, a 12-year old girl growing up in the dystopian near-future New York that is the setting of many of Womack's stories: riots in Harlem, the Army dealing with Long Island insurgents, the 14 Street Wall.

The downward spiral of Lola and her family as they run out of first money, then options, is sure to tug on a heartstring or two. Stylistically, the form works well, with Lola's voice getting more and more street-level as things go on.

Desperation, poverty, racism, and yes, violence. Highly recommended.

Romance and Cigarettes

Queens: The musical!

James Gandolfini as a two-timing construction worker. Susan Sarandon is the wife, Kate Winslet is the coarse-talking Irish slu--- er, lover. Steve Buscemi is the husband's coworker, Eddie Izzard is the wife's choir leader. Christopher Walken, in one of his more distinctive roles, plays the Elvis-obsessed cousin of Susan Sarandon, himself jilted (losing a woman to The Greek) and eager to help her get revenge.

This is a musical set in Queens, about blue-collar types, set to an eclectic selection of pop hits. It is a very Manhattan view of Queens as well: the men are oafs, the women are decked out in trailer park gear, everyone is ugly and talks like they were raised by Archie Bunker.

In short, a must must see. And I'm not just saying that because I live in Queens.

For some reason the tone of this film reminds me of Crime Wave, though I can't quite place why. Maybe the musical mayhem in one and the cartoonish violence in the other strike the same (off) chord.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Romance & Cigarettes (IMDB)

Wince : [*____]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [****_]

Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [****_]

Scene I'd watch on endless loop: "Why, why, why, Delilah?"

Breeders

Wow, this one is pretty bad. A man in a gimp suit is raping every virgin in Manhattan (hence the film's short running time), impregnating them with black slime and leaving a post-hypnotic suggestion for them to attend his midnight basement jacuzzi party. A young doctor and a cop use every stilted line and cliche at their disposal in a futile attempt to prove the existence of a scriptwriter, ultimately leaving the audience to make that leap of faith on their own.

Everything bad about 80s movies is in this one. Bad acting. Big hair. Awful clothes. Synth soundtrack. Questionable sets. Implausible events. On the plus side, the virgins share a rare allergy to underwear, and shuck their clothes at every scene change.

* * * R A T I N G * * *
Breeders (IMDB)

Wince : [*****]
Flinch : [*____]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [***__]

Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [***__]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [***__]

What I would do different: Spend the ten bucks to have someone write a script.

Scene I'd watch on endless loop: Breeder chicks in an alien hot-tub filled with milky-white fluid.

Memories I want to erase: Those tan lines!

The Bothersome Man

In the afterlife, everyone has a good job with a decent boss and any woman they want, and everyone is happy -- except for that one malcontent who wants things to be just as they were before, pain and ugliness included.

Andreas is this malcontent: a man wondering why food has no taste, liquor doesn't get him drunk, and everyone around him is shallow and emotionless. At first he thinks it's his fault, and he has made the wrong choices in the afterlife; then he finds that this is the way things are supposed to be, and he tries to find a way out. Andreas is not rebellious or spiteful or driven by revenge; he's just a quiet, friendly little cog being a quiet, friendly little pain in the ass.

A decent film that makes you question what it would take to keep you happy for eternity, and that makes damn sure you'll never throw yourself in front of a subway train.

* * * R A T I N G * * *
The Bothersome Man (IMDB)

Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [**___]

Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [*____]
Explicability : [***__]

Scene I'd watch on endless loop: Jumping in front of the subway train.

Memories I want to erase: The joyless sex with his wife(?).

What I would do different: There were a couple of brief scenes, such as the kitchen or the very end, that could have been extended by three or four minutes. These scenes can be understood as filmed, but they lack any weight, and give the impression that the director did not want to commit to what the scene depicted, or how the protagonist was affected. Also, for fun, I might have made the bus break down.