Black Christmas

The original "the calls are coming from inside the house!" slasher movie.

Black Christmas is an unexpected delight, a nearly perfect horror film. The killer is never seen directly, only in silhouette with the occasional creepy shot of his eye peering out of the shadows. There is no justification for the killer's actions, no backstory to explain his crazed Billy and Agnes rantings on the phone, and no attempt at all to pretend he has been killed or caught at the end.

There is no need to explain the plot -- serial killer breaks into sorority house and starts doing his thing -- but some of the characters are quite noteworthy. Barb steals the show as an alcoholic broken-home sorority girl with an acerbic wit. Jessica puts in a good performance as the Empowered Woman who argues to her boyfriend that yes, by damn, she will have that abortion because there is still a lot in life she wants to do. Finally, Mrs Mac, the matronly lady in charge of the girls and guardian of their morals, has more bottles hidden than the guy from Lost Weekend.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Black Christmas (IMDB)

Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [**___]

Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [**___]

Drunken Angel

An early Kurosawa gem set, like Stray Dog, in post-World War II Japan.

An alcoholic doctor treats the yakuza Matsunaga (Toshiro Mifue) for a bullet wound, and discovers he has TB. Matsunaga refuses to change his lifestyle to undergo treatment, preferring to continue his tough-guy ways of drinking, womanizing, fighting, and gambling.

The doc gives him the "dying of TB is not glamorous you idiot" speech, which helps things a little until Matsunaga's former boss is released from jail and starts to retake control of his former territory. Matsunaga soon realizes he is not as powerful in the gang as he thought, and makes a half-hearted (the other half of that heart having been eaten up by TB, no doubt) attempt at redemption.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Yoidore tenshi (IMDB)

Wince : [*____]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [*____]

Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [***__]

Jigoku

Two students hit-and-run a drunken yakuza on a back road in the middle of the night, leaving him dead and his mother and wife out for revenge. The students immediately become a good/bad angel pair; the good one tries to fix things but only finds himself with more and more blood on his hands, while the bad one delights in thwarting the attempts of the good one to redeem himself.

Eventually everyone dies and they end up in hell, where they witness and endure the tortures of the damned.

There's really not much more to say than that. The Hell sequences are surreal and gory enough for the time, but will not prove terribly striking to a modern audience. The demonic bad student, however, is fun to watch.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Jigoku (IMDB)

Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [**___]

Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [***__]

Red Angel

The perfect antidote to a smarmy M*A*S*H marathon, this film covers the adventures of a Japanese army nurse in China during World War II. First she is raped, then falls in love with an amputee, then ends up at the front lines where she falls in love with a n impotent morphine-addicted sawbones.

Early amputation scenes made me consider adding a squirm rating; though not particularly graphic, the sounds and imagery were suggestive enough to induce chair-writhing.

The final battle, with its alternating scenes of troops waiting for the enemy attack and the consummation of the nurse/doctor love affair, provided considerable tension not normally found in horror-of-war movies.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Akai tenshi (IMDB)

Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [****_]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [***__]

Beerequisite : [*____]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [****_]

Happiness of the Katakuris

The claymation opening sequence to this Taskhi Miike gem will undoubtedly leave most viewers thinking "What. The. Fuck." No need to go into detail; it is a sufficiently Funky Forest moment.

Eventually we meet the Katakuris, a family of misfits who run a guest house in the middle of nowhere. Business is dead until one rainy night when their first guest appears and, establishing a trend, dies mysteriously in the night. Rather than explain things to the cops, they live with their guilt and try to find some way to be happy. Before the volcano blows.

Did I mention it's a musical?

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Katakuri-ke no kôfuku (IMDB)

Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [*****]

Beerequisite : [****_]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [**___]

Sex Machine

The story of a love pentangle (septangle, if you count the guy on a ladder snapping photos and masturbating) between the Sex Machine (Hiroshi), Haruka, her former lover, her ex-boyfriend, and his new girlfriend. All the girls want to bang Hiroshi, all the guys want to bang Haruka.

A 'thinky pinky' with bongos, a whirlpool, a misplaced cucumber, and all the cricket wrestling you'll ever want to see. Sharing more with Sachiko Hanai than the title! According to IMDB, Hiroshi appeared in both.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Himo no Hiroshi (IMDB) aka The Strange Saga of Hiroshi the Freeloading Sex Machine

Wince : [*____]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [***__]

Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [****_]
Obscurity : [****_]
Explicability : [**___]

Pervert!

Finally, a movie about Sex! Death! Freedom (and who wouldn't love Freedom, as depicted here)! Or, according to the warning at the start of the film, Huge boobs, Sex, Blood, and a Snake.

Imagine a whodunnit written and produced by The Man Show and you've got this movie. Women keep getting murdered on lecherous old Hezekiah's ranch, overly penetrated by a misogynistic penis. But whose? Hezekiah's? His cursed son James'? The Coyote's?

Fun movie that shows just how much you can do with a lot (and I mean a LOT) of gratuitous breast shots.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Pervert! (IMDB)

Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [****_]

Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [***__] (+* if you have frat-boy taste in porn)
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [**___]

Best ___ in a movie:
* use of a beehive
* theme song
* dog squeaky toy
* movie rating (H-14)
* montage girl
* opening credits


The Wit and Wisdom of Hezekiah:

"If God intended women to drive, He'd have equipped them with common sense instead of tits."

"You wouldn't know a real woman if one gave you a hand job in the back of an ice cream truck."

"I'm like french bread: the longer I'm around, the harder I get."

Broken

Truly the most brutal and savage wife training video on the market. Even covers how to handle trading in your wife for a younger, more attractive, and more talkative model.

This is pretty much a standard serial killer film. An opening shot gives some insight into the fate of the victims (buried alive with a razor blade sewn into their stomachs, allowed to escape, clubbed unconscious, then hung by their neck and given a second chance to escape).

Cut to the victim du jour, a single mom on a date who inexplicably awakes in a coffin the next day. After various attempts at begging and escaping, she decides to earn the trust of the killer before getting her revenge.

Well done, a must-see for any serial killer movie fans, but not very original or surprising.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Broken (IMDB)

Wince : [*____]
Flinch : [****_]
Retch : [***__]
Gape : [**___]

Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [**___]

Serenity

I never can put my finger on why I don't like Joss Wedon's stuff.

Maybe it's the unnatural dialog, or the poor direction given to the actors. Maybe it's the clumsy plots and the seen-it-coming-a-mile-away humor. Maybe it's because everything he does feels like it's fan service, even when it's a new show or film that shouldn't have any fans yet. One gets the feeling that the scripts are written purely for obsessives to pump their fists to and yell "yeah!" whenever in the 110th viewing their favorite character does something predictably within character.

The worst thing is, Serenity *should* work. It's got a Civil war analogy, different levels of technology, an authoritarian democratic regime, cannibals, a prostitute, a teenage girl who's a lunatic killing machine. What's not to like?

The writing, I guess.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Serenity (IMDB)

Wince : [****_]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [**___]

Beerequisite : [*****]
Pornability : [_____]
Obscurity : [_____]
Explicability : [***__]

The District

From out of nowhere comes this animated piece of Eurosleaze: a Hungarian interpretation of Romeo and Juliet, with (to paraphrase Troma) all of the time travel, nukes, and streetwalkers that Shakespeare would have wanted.

The Montagues are gypsies and the Capulets are pimps. Lecherous grandfather Montague tells Romeo the secret of life: Money cures all ill. Romeo takes this to heart, and concocts a scheme to travel back in time, kill a bunch of dinosaurs, dig the up in the present, upset the global oil market, and get nuked by George Bush. Somewhere in there, he is supposed to get the girl.

As tragic in its own way as the original, propelled by Hungarian rap (with surprisingly entertaining translations), this gem is entirely inventive and entertaining. The Hungarians have figured out a truth that escaped even The Bard: the best way to resolve a feud between two stubborn men is for them to fight on the same side in a street brawl against the cops and get drunk afterwards.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Nyócker! (IMDB)

Wince : [*____]
Flinch : [*____]
Retch : [_____]
Gape : [***__]

Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]

Observatory Mansions

Edward Carey's Observatory Mansions is the story of a handful of neurotic misanthropes who live in a curiously isolated apartment complex in what appears to be London. A new tenant moves in, resulting in a sea of change, including a few deaths and a lot of reconciliation with the past.

The characters are certainly interesting and eccentric. The narrator, with his deep abiding distrust of humanity projected on the people he encounters and his meticulously cataloged collection of garbage, has the least redeeming qualities of any of them.

It is hard describe the book as compelling, however, even when events are building to a climax at the end. It was very similar to reading The Wasp Factory; the events that unfold are unusual and interesting, but ultimately one is left thinking "So what?".

Brooklyn Independent Cinema : Special Shorts

The Subconscious Art of Graffiti Removal: A faux-documentary covering the unintentional art movement resulting from painting over graffiti. Comparisons with abstract artists are provided (and are surprisingly convincing) and three themes in the movement are identified (geometric, ghosting, and free-form), but one central theme is ignored: what the hell is with the girl on the bike?
The Subconscious Art of Graffiti Removal (IMDB)

Have You Seen This Man?: A documentary about (real, apparently) New York artist Geoff Lupo who produces flyers advertising ludicrous objects for sale: a cracker, a thumbtack, an pen cap. His somewhat stylized interactions with the people who respond to his ads (the intent being to reduce the act of commerce down to its essence, stripping the sale of any meaningful product -- though I thought that's what the stock market was for) constitute the actual work of art, which like most works of art is brought to ruin by a pretentious gallery owner.
Have You Seen This Man? (IMDB)

The Job: A fun little short about day labor. To say more would be overkill.
The Job (IMDB)

Funky Forest: First Contact excerpt: The strangest and most Japanese segment of the absurdist classic Funky Forest: First Contact (a three-h0ur endeavor for the strong of will), the tennis playing scene ("Hai! Hai!") was played in its entirety without the benefit of subtitles. Though, as the moderator pointed our afterwards, it wouldn't have made any difference. Regardless, it was fun to see this segment again.
Naisu no mori: First Contact (IMDB)

Darling Darling: A teenager, driven by his mom, arrives to pick up his date. Her dad, a horse-headed archer/guitarist, proceeds to make him feel extremely uncomfortable while he waits for her to get ready. Perhaps the best explanation of this film comes from the director's description of his original vision: a guy, with a horse's head, jumping off a stack of amplifiers and wailing on an electric guitar while fireworks go off behind him. And they say there's no good drugs any more.
Darling Darling (IMDB)

Are You The Favorite Person of Anybody?: Based on the short story 'Oranges' by Miranda July, which I read recently in October's edition of Tin House. John C Reilly stars as the interviewer asking random passers-by (fewer than in the story) the titular question.
Are You the Favorite Person of Anybody? (IMDB)

Divorce Lemonade: A quick dark comedy about a girl who wakes up to find her dad passed out drunk on the lawn of her mom's house, and must get him out of there before her mom calls the cops. What do you do when life gives you lemons? Make divorce lemonade! Which, fittingly, is blue.
Divorce Lemonade (IMDB)

Why the Anderson Children Didn't Come to Dinner: Three neurotic children (a plant-eater, a paint-by-number painter, and an obsessive flusher) are served increasingly horrific dishes by their mother over the course of a day. The proposed main course for dinner proves more than they can endure, and each finds their own escape from the house. Very well done, probably the second-best film shown.
Why the Anderson Children Didn't Come to Dinner (IMDB)

Lift: The cream of this crop. Dominique Pinon stars as a lift operator who never leaves his lift, and who has fallen in love with a typist on the 20th floor. He attempts to seduce her with anonymous letters while dealing with the random passengers who board his machine.
Lift (IMDB) (WWW)

What Would Jesus Buy

Reverend Billy and his Church of Stop Shopping star in this coverage of the 2006 (?) Christmas season. They tour the country, preaching and singing the message "Don't buy gifts, put love back into Christmas", and generally being escorted off private properties (and occasionally into jail).

Overall, it's a general anti-consumerism film: Wal-Mart is evil, don't buy anything not made in America, small-town America has no sidewalks, etc. Typically, the grey areas of these issues are ignored (What would sweatshop workers do if they weren't employed? Don't Wal-Marts low prices benefit the unemployed and disabled?), so don't expect any depth added to the debate; Reverend Billy's are pure showmanship in service of a simple message.

Still, one character ( I believe it was the Wal-Mart pastor, amusingly enough) made the good point that America has to choose between low prices and high wages; every solution is going to be double-edged. And you have to hand it to Reverend Billy and the choir: he is entertaining, and they are talented.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

What Would Jesus Buy? (IMDB)

Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [_____]
Retch : [_____]
Gape : [*____]

Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [_____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]

Army of Darkness

How many times can one see Bruce Campbell Vs The Army Of Darkness? Never too many, apparently.

Caught this in a midnight showing, deciding to make this the first sober viewing of the film. The film is just as funny without the aid of anaesthetic, though the production quality and continuity flaws become glaringly obvious.

Unfortunately, this was the original American film distribution, with the lame S-Mart ending instead of the proper "I slept too loooooong!" one, and minus quite a few battle scenes (e.g. "We... are... des-er-ted!"). Luckily, that didn't stop the audience from knowing the lines and shouting them with impunity.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Army of Darkness

Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [****_]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [****_]

Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [*____]
Explicability : [***__]

Surprise sober realization: Man, Ash really is quite an asshole, isn't he?

Blade Runner flashback: So *that's* how you win a woman over, eh?

Electrical Girl

An opening scene of a girl masturbating with a flickering lightbulb, then refusing to use a flourescent because it is "too long". No kidding, you say this is a pink film?

Jan is a woman who has long been afflicted by a strange curse: her mouth and genitals emit an electric shock strong enough to kill a man, or at least injure his sensitive areas. What follows is an absurdist soft-core as she encounters a rubber-clad doctor willing to attempt a cure, an obese yakuza obsessed by her, and her pined-for impotent manager.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Faat din chiu giu wa (IMDB)

Wince : [***__]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [_____]
Gape : [***__]

Beerequisite : [*****]
Pornability : [****_]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [**___]

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead

Two brothers working white-collar jobs at the same firm decide to pull off a dead-easy heist: easy in, easy out, no-one gets hurt. Of course it's easy in, scary out, and a couple of people get hurt. Or dead.

The opening scene shows the heist, then slowly plays through the consequences, taking many steps back in time to illuminate the motivation behind each character. A gimmick as overused as this one can generally foul up the film, but in this case it actually works as captivating storytelling. Seemingly unimportant or trivial events take on a new meaning when presented as "OK, so this guy -- well, before I tell you the next part, let me explain what happened to him two days before that put him so much on edge".

Ultimately this movie is all about people cracking under extraordinary circumstances; a great cast under fantastic direction is ultimately what makes it succeed.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead

Wince : [_____]
Flinch : [**___]
Retch : [*____]
Gape : [*____]

Beerequisite : [*____]
Pornability : [**___]
Obscurity : [_____]
Explicability : [****_]

Scene-stealer: The drug-dealer. Man, those robes...

Shriek: An Afterword

Jeff Vandermeer's Shriek, an Afterword is a novel-length followup to his story "The Hoegbotton Guide to the Early History of Ambergris" apparently written immediately afterwards (1999 for the story, and 199-2006 for the novel).

Shriek tells the story of the author of "Early History", narrated by his sister, annotated by himself, and edited by their employer at Hoegbotton Books. In keeping with the style of "Early History", these individuals are given their voice in different components in the work; the sister speaks in the main text, the author in his annotations (similar to his persona appearing in the footnotes of "Early History"), and the editor in the appendix.

The story itself is biographical, tracing the backgrounds of the author and his sister from childhood through recent events that have radically changed the city itself (Ambergris, a setting for perhaps too many of Vandermeer's tales). The setting is purely fantasy genre, though to dismiss Vandermeer as a fantasy writer would be a disservice to one of the most imaginative writers out there.

A bit tough to start into, a bit slow at times, but ultimately a rewarding read with some interesting commentary on fame, ambition, and obsession.

No Country For Old Men

Grim. Life is cheap and can be taken at any time, without fuss or effort.

The Coen brothers' latest film can in no way be construed as uplifting. The humor that runs through their other films is mostly lacking, replaced by a merciless eye for detail and an almost sociopathic lack of concern for the fate of any of the characters.

The plot is straightforward: guy stumbles across a drug deal gone sour, guy decides to make off with the less-than-sour proceeds, guy gets hunted down by a psychopath with a silenced shotgun. It soon becomes clear that the hunter and the hunted are a fairly even match on many levels, though as usual in these guys' films, nothing quite turns out as expected. Tommy Lee Jones stars as the world-weary sheriff who can do nothing but watch it all unfold.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

No Country For Old Men, or 101 Uses for Compressed Air

Wince : [*____]
Flinch : [****_]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [***__]

Beerequisite : [*____]
Pornability : [_____] There is nothing sexy about this movie.
Obscurity : [_____]
Explicability : [****_]

Apathy and other small victories

Pail Neilan's Apathy and Other Small Victories is the kind of book one loves to hate. A first-person narrative of a self-deprecating but narcissistic slacker, with no plot or character development to speak of: this is the type of book of which there are too many, all done poorly.

Except Neilan is hilarious. The book opens with a darkly humorous tone that is maintained consistently throughout the book, even when trying to wrap up the story through exposition (always a bad sign!) at the end. No mean feat.

It is difficult to describe this as a good book, but it is a quick and very enjoyable read. Easy to lend out, even to non-readers.

The Future Is Unwritten

The trailer for the Joe Strummer film presents his life as inevitable: a guy with no talent who became a rock star through sheer force of will, who was driven by a need to be famous, and who would serve as inspiration to all aspiring musicians: if HE could do it, YOU can too.

Needless to say, this is a huge turnoff if you have any sort of respect for Joe Strummer. Thankfully, the documentary is much more insightful and enjoyable than the trailers give it credit for.

The film begins discussing Strummers' childhood: a rebellious student in a public school, the son of a diplomat who dragged him to India, Turkey, and Mexico on his holidays. After art school, he becomes a musician first in rock bands, then punk, and eventually in what is probably called 'world music' (flatteringly: a musical cross-pollination that knows no ethnic or political boundaries), not so flatteringly: white labels co-opting non-white music to be distributed for the profit of white-owned record labels).

What emerges is an intimate portrait of Strummer as an embodiment of the punk ethos: the disdain for convention, the do-it-yourself attitude, the bond between bands and audience, the importance of community over government, and above all the need to get the word out. Strummer's essence permeates the film: animations of his artwork are used to illustrate anecdotes or transition between scenes, interviews are all performed huddled around the bonfires of which he grew so fond, the soundtrack is largely taken from Strummer's London Calling radio show from the BBC World Service.

A must-see, and surprisingly positive film which ultimately serves as further proof that anyone not constantly re-inventing themselves is not worth knowing.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Joe Strummer: The Future Is Unwritten

Wince : [_____]
Flinch : [_____]
Retch : [_____]
Gape : [**___]

Beerequisite : [**___]
Pornability : [_____] (* for the ladies, there is a naked guy dancing around)
Obscurity : [**___]
Explicability : [****_]

Best Joe Strummer Philosophy: "No non-smoker should be allowed to purchase anything created by a smoker."

Interviewees to keep an eye out for: Cusack! Depp! Buscemi! Grandmaster Flash!!!

Primer

The first time I saw Primer, I stayed up watching it a second time, then tracking down the script online. This demonstrates the two main qualities of the film: the dialogue is difficult to make out, and the writing is fantastic.

The budget for the film is incredibly low: no special effects, not even a cheezy attempt at CGI like in The Specials. IMDB claims it was made for $7K; I'd guessed $8K just for the film stock. Truly proof that, contrary to popular belief in Hollywood, a lot can be done with a little. The direction is very tight and methodical, giving the impression that the director is showing you exactly what he intends to, no more and no less. Should be required viewing for all amateur filmmakers.

To put it simply, the movie is about time travel. Two garage-Einstein entrepreneurs discover they can travel backwards in time, to a limited extent. Each has their own ideas regarding how the technology should be used, and eventually they come into conflict. One (IMDB?) forum thread discussing interpretations of the film coined the phrase 'Time War' to describe the result, and it fits.

This is a movie for people who like to think. Be prepared to spend hours pondering the movie, it timelines, and the nature of paradox -- not only re-watching the movie, but even taking the time to track down a version with subtitles. The implications of the film should make one's head hurt, or at least draw murmurs of appreciation from the temporal physicist in the room.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Primer (IMDB)

Wince : [**___]
Flinch : [_____]
Retch : [_____]
Gape : [**___]

Beerequisite : [_____]
Pornability : [_____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [***__]

Death Trance

It only takes a few minutes to realize that Death Trance is brought to you by the same people that did Versus: the metal soundtrack-driven stylized violence gives away the game immediately.

There is some sort of a story about an unbeatable samurai (who seems to lose an awful lot for being unbeatable) stealing a coffin containing the Goddess of Destruction, and an inept priest trying to track him down. Throw in a phallic apocalypse sword, the two-fisted (assuming both of them hold revolvers) son of Steven Seagal, vampiric spider-humans, and a child sidekick slightly less annoying than the kid from Six-String Samurai, and you have ... this movie. And did I mention the two (count 'em!) combat-as-sex scenes?

Decent mindless, over the top fun, with what has to be the best demonstration of gun-fu to hit the screen (and not from Seagal either).

The ending, for some reason, is reminiscent of Meatball Machine.

* * * R A T I N G * * *

Death Trance (IMDB), aka The Movie Put Me To Sleep Three Times

Wince : [****_]
Flinch : [***__]
Retch : [**___]
Gape : [***__]

Beerequisite : [***__]
Pornability : [*____]
Obscurity : [***__]
Explicability : [**___]